Dear Jon

I'm listening to Let The Flames Begin, and maybe thats my catalyst for writing you this letter. I'm not sure. I love listening to music when I write, sometimes because the lyrics inspire me, sometimes because the story their singing is worth putting down in complete sentences, to show those little moments of love shared, secret kisses stolen under stars and soul-mates. Am I making sense? I don't think I am. When you read this, and I hope you do, I would like for you to listen to the song. Close your eyes, feel the words, and then maybe you'll understand why I'm doing this. Maybe you'll finally know. Or perhaps you've always known, but didn't say anything about it. Either way, now, you'll know everything.

You know how much I love words right? Want to know why? Well you can't really say no, so if you're really not interested, you can skip this part. I was never good at maths, logic wasn't my strong suit, and I hate doing things inside the box. I loved words simply because they were unique. Nothing else can confuse, or hurt, or make people feel like flying in the clouds like words can. Word can make you feel like you're dancing in the rain, without a care in the world, or it can drag you down, strangle you with the heaviness of its meaning. Thats why I love words. I love the way that if you write words well, it can be much like a beautiful composition of music.

Listen to Paramore, My Number One for this next part.

So I bet you're thinking why I wrote you this letter, maybe you didn't bother reading it. You never really did love words. Jon, I have something to tell you. And I have no idea how telling you is going to affect you. But you know what? I'm not going to think of you, or your feelings. Not this one time. All those other times, where I strangled those words down my throat, and I could feel my heart wanting to explode, but I was too scared to take the risk.

Risk.

I'll paint the colours and show you the words. The brightest of reds, the passion and anger, with a streak of the softest, most calming blues, and the energy of orange, tinged with the jittery, nervous nature of purple. I'm so scared Jon. I'm so scared to tell you everything. But I will. Because, I'm tired of swimming in silence. I'm sinking,and I'm watching you walk away. And I can't do it anymore, I can't hold in all the words anymore, I cant pretend, I cant be your friend anymore Jon.

I've always loved you. Always. And I'm tired of it. I hate being in love with you, because it hurts me. It was fine when we were friends, but now I can't do this with you anymore. I have nothing to lose Jon, except our friendship. But honestly, its not worth it anymore. I lost a boy, a sweet boy who listened to my crazy words, loved my stories and looked at me like I meant the world to him. I lost him, I let him slip away, because I couldn't be with him, when a part of me was miserably in love with the boy who broke my heart without even knowing. You. I have nothing at all to lose anymore, because you were never really there. You never really cared, so it doesn't matter anymore. What you think, or how you feel doesn't matter anymore. I've thought about telling you a thousands times, I could feel the words on my lips, but when I opened my mouth, nothing came out. Know why? I was too busy thinking of how things would change for you, to even consider my own feelings. Even though you repeatedly, and often unknowingly hurt me. I'm tired of caring about you Jon, so I thought fuck it. I'm not going to consider your feelings anymore. If I keep doing this, I will NEVER be able to move on, and I'll slowly lose my mind.

I don't expect this letter to change how you feel, because I know you love your girlfriend. I don't want anything to happen. You have to understand that I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing this for me, because I cant be around you anymore. I can literally feel myself losing it Jon. I can't pretend anymore. I really can't. It wasn't much of a friendship anyway. You always that the upper hand, whether you wanted it or not. I'm tired Jon. I'm so sorry it had to happen, and I;m sorry I met you. Jon, sometimes I really think I deserve a better friend than you. Sometimes, I feel like punching myself for expecting more from you. You're not my boyfriend, and I think in my fucked up head, I forget where to draw the line sometimes. I can't do this with you anymore Jonathon. I really really can't. I wish I could just fall out of love with you, so I can be happy, but truth is, I can't. So I;m not giving myself a choice. Please, understand.

I can't be friends with you.

Grenade, by Bruno Mars fits this part perfectly, so listen to it.

I knew you didn't really give two shits about me. I think thats what hurt me the most, the fact that your rp friends couldn't mean anything to you. I don't want to be stupid or selfish or anything, but I can't help it. I really cannot help the way I feel about you. You make me feel crazy irrational things, and i hate not being able to control my emotions. Around you, I become this whole other person, I'm not so sure its good for me. You confuse the hell out of me Jon, because sometimes you act like you do care, then the very next thing that comes out of your mouth is, “I don't give a shit.”

I always wondered if I ever meant anything to you, but honestly, I don't think I do. Do you keep the letter I wrote you when the semester ended? Did you try to say anything? Anything at all to at least make me feel like I was worth some small little part? Like I wasn't wasting my time being your friend. Thats one thing I don't like about you. You never talk about how you feel, ever, and maybe I don't have that right, because you're not my boyfriend. But I do deserve more than this. I sure as hell don't deserve friends who treat me like this. And its not fair to me Jon, because, I know, even though you didn't ask me, or wanted me to, I cared about you. Like a friend. I trusted you Jon, more than anyone else. Even as I'm typing this, I wish there was an easier way for me to do this, so it wouldn't have to be me putting my heart on the line, so it wouldn't have to be me who had to get hurt. Truth is, I don't know if you care. It hurts like fuck to think that you don't care. And you don't. So I don't know why I keep calling you my friend. That day, when Sabrina left me alone at parkway parade, I sat down at Macs, and cried for 3 hours straight.

I texted you, hoping that you would bother to reply, but you didn't. My heart broke Jon. Because you were the only other person I could think of who would care. But I should have realized. I called Jerri, everyone I knew, and still no one answered. That was the day I felt like the biggest fool. I do so much for people, and when I need help, they can't be bothered. That hurt. That hurt a lot. That was the day I promised I wouldn't let myself care.

Sometimes I think you really don't know why you're friends with me. We're so different. You're easy, what you see is what you get. I complicate things, I fall in love to easily and hard. I get my heart broken, I cry, I don't hide what I feel. You're quiet in that way. You don't talk about your feelings, and that drives me insane. See, I don't have the right to ask you to talk about your feelings, because I'm not your girlfriend, but if you were a girl, and you were my friend, I would have asked you to talk about your feelings, and it would have been fine. I can't do the same, because you're a guy, and I guess that makes the friendship different. It makes things a heck load more shitty for me.

I need time away from you. I need to be able to not want to fucking cry every time you do something stupid and insensitive. I need to be able to control my emotions better, to learn not to be sensitive anymore. You know, I fault Sabrina for being petty when I forget to call her when I go down, but truth is, I get just as pissed off when you do it to me. Because its not being petty. Its what friends do. We call each other down, we look out, we care. And fuck if you don't do that. I don't remember once when you called me to go to school, or when you called me to go down, or when you called me to go home. Its always been me, and its not fair for you to take me for granted like that. I can't even get angry at you, because you simply DON'T CARE. The reason I didn't say anything to you till now, is because I know, that if I didn't do things first, they'd never get done. Its so easy for you to forget me Jon, and I hate that, so I try harder, I care more, and then I get hurt more. I should be like you, if I want this friendship to work. I need to not care as much as you don't. I need to be able to be as indifferent as you are. You hurt me a lot Jon. Its just taken me this long, to realize that no matter how much I love you, or care about you, you're not worth it. Its not worth my time to love someone who will never love me back. Its not worth my time to be a friend to someone who doesn't know how to be one to me.

Even as I;m writing this, and I know that I should walk away, there is a huge part of me screaming not to. I can't let you go. For some fucked up reason, I really can't let go so easily. Its going to take time, and I need for you to understand that I can't be around you anymore. Not like it'll make much of a difference, because you don't care. So you won't feel a thing. You won't miss me, you won't feel regret, guilt, nothing. Because I was never worth anything to you.

Its not your fault you know, its mine. For caring too much. Its always my fault. Its what I do best. I do things for others, start to depend on them, then I start to expect more then it all goes to hell. I guess what frustrates me, is that I care more. I want it to be equal, or at least for you to care a little bit. I'm more trouble than I'm worth, and I'm sure you don't want to deal with me anymore.

All the best for everything.

Love always,
Me

A Little Piece of My Heart

Dear Boy(whom I love),

When school re-opens, I'm going to tell you excatly how I feel. And not to make you change your mind, or blindly hope that you'll have one of those all important ephiphanies and say that you feel the same way too. Because, its not fair of me to expect that if you, and honestly, the whole ephihany at the last moment, where the guy realises he loves his best friend, is ridiculous everywhere else excpet in books with no morals and a whole of pretty people and in hollywood, where they tell you a bunch of stuff about how sad life is, but love always triumphs. Its so stupid to think that just because you feel a certain way, letting it out will make you feel better. Maybe it will, but it sure as hell is a selfish descion. Does that make you a bad person? Hell no. It just makes you human.

Be prepared.

Love always,

Me.

Walking Travesty

Dear Person.

I deleted this post about a million times, and even then I wasn't too sure about anything. I can't write anymore. I don't have the words. Nothing. i feel like just watching tv. I dont know what to do. i cant write. I cant write. I cant write anymore. And this is not one of those short phases where I say i cant write, then come up with a post about a week later. I really cant write anymore. I dont know why. I feel like one pf those people who get so absorbed by their own words in thier heads that they can't vocalise it anymore. Those people who have seemed to completely given up on trying to use words, so they just stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

I cant di this. I cant not write.

I need to write.

Need to.

Fireworks At Dawn

Sigh.

I know, I know, my first post in two(?)months(I know right, cue the exaggerated surprised looks), and I chose to begin it with a sigh. But I think that sighs are overused and unappreciated. People do not truly understand what it is exactly, that a sigh does. When you hear a sigh, the first thing that people assume is that you're depressed. Or you're filled with angst, or something along the lines of wanting to end your life. But people often overlook the happy sighs, or angry sighs, or exasperated sighs, or, well you get my point. Sighs are not just subjected to use for one emotion, they're not just one sided.

I believe that it is at this point where you're thinking to yourself, "Boy has she gone off the deep end. Blabbering about sighs." Well, while my sanity may be questionable, sighs are a very very very integral of everyone's lives. I am merely bringing to light the plight that they suffer. Haha, light, plight. They rhyme. I'm not a fan of rhymes, but I do praise the literary genius who penned Peter Rabbit, and other such fascinating rhyming stories.

While on the subject of rhymes, let me just say that reading fairy tales when you're younger and again when you're older is waaaay different. For example, while reading Cinderella, I swear everything dear Cindy said to the Prince and vice versa, had some sexual insinuation to it. Also, reading such stories made me miss being a kid. Not that I've made such an effort of trying to be an adult. I never really thought about how though written for kids, these stories carry with them the wisdom that only age can give you.

Like Peter Pan.


I love the 2003 version of this movie too. Jeremy Sumpter is amazing as the boy who never grows up.


Anyway, the point I'm trying to bring home is the fact that though made for kids, J.M Barrie wrote this for himself, to find a way to immortalize being young. As an adult, you look at this, and you think, "to be young forever, but at what cost?" To never grow up, never have a family, to stay frozen, stuck. While everyone around you continues on with their lives? Would you really give everything up? For a long while, I really thought I would. But I'm not so sure anymore.

There's a term for this, Peter Pan Syndrome. There's so much I want to say, but I can't.
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In other news, there has been much talk going on, and several people have tried to coerce me into joining what I have come to know as being people's answer to getting away with half ass writing, Tumblr. I myself have on more than one occasion thought of jumping ship, but there is something holding me back. Besides the fact that I write freaking novels, and won't be able to condense everything into a short paragraph with an accompanying picture, or pictures but no text, its just not my style. But i'll admit, it is an intriguing idea to let a picture do all the explaining for you. I shall consult my sister, because despite our fights, she's truly the only person who knows me.

The Perks Of Being A Wallflower

wallflower [ˈwɔːlˌflaʊə]
n :a person who stays on the fringes of a dance or party on account of lacking a partner or being shy

I would love to be a wallflower. The fact is, I am, its just that people tend to forget that sometimes, and also because I have the tendancy to speak more that what a wallflower usually speaks. In other words, sometimes I can't shut up. At others, I can't speak. Both have an equal chance of happening, it used to be that I talked about 70% and observed for the other 30%. But then one day I woke up, and I decided that I had enough of talking. WORDS. WORDS. WORDS. WORDS.

No one fucking respects words anymore.

We throw them around fivourasly, not really caring that each word has its respective infliction on the person we are directing them at. We may think its perfectly fine to say one thing, but contradict it the very next moment, but ITS NOT. IT CONFUSES THE FUCK OUT OF PEOPLE. SO STOP FUCKING DOING THAT.

I try so hard to say what I mean, and mean what I say, but its not possible. Not when you're surrounded by people who are good at manupilating you into doing what they want. You know, something someone said struck a nerve with me. I believe his exact words were,"You don't even know how to be angry at someone." Well, I know I can get angry. Just ask my family. The thing is, I can't seem to get angry with my friends, even though I know I have EVERY RIGHT to feel like that.

My mother FUCKING COOKED FOOD KNNCB. But no, no could spare me five fucking seconds of their bloody meaningless words to tell me they wouldn't be able make it. DON'T FUCKING DARE TO ASK ME TO DO ANYTHING FOR YOU ANYMORE. My sister says not to get angry, cuz if she were my friends, she wouldn't want me to get angry. So fine. Fuck it. From today, I give up one them. Sure, I'll talk to them and all that bullshit. But they've got to be fucking kidding me if they think I'll do more than that. I'm not buying them shit, no pepsi, or lending them money. One of my friends owe me $30+. But I don't ask her for it, because initially didn't really care about it. But really, enough. She heckled me for her money, so I'm just doing her the favour. And yet they dare say I don't do anything for them.

Its not about the money, it never was. Its about getting pissed off when I don't reply, which I eventually do, but when they do the same, I can't get angry? I hate double standards. I don't know what to do...

One the one hand, I wish I was brave enough to scream at them, to just let it all out. But on the other hand, I don't want to lose them either. So I'll do what I do best. Hide my feelings. Put on a smile and pretend.

WHY CAN'T THEY JUST USE THEIR BLOODY MOTHERFUCKING WORDS.

One day, I'll get so good at pretending, that it'll become real.

I just want them to realise that I'm not bulletproof. Not emotionally anyway.

This one's for you..

Hey Meow.

For the moment, let's just go along with meow and floating doughnut, because it'll be totally embarrassing if you're not who I think you are. I'm sorry it took me this long to reply you, but I think you know better than anyone sometimes how when you have so much to say, the words just don't seem to fit. I know we used to love words, I still do, and I think you do too. I can't say that I know you, because I don't anymore. Well I used to, but i'm not sure if I get brownie points for knowing the old you. Because as you said, people change.

But let me try and remember yea. Remember our list of 21 spastic crazy moments? We danced in the rain amongst other things. And we had that picnic at the TKGS field, where I blew bubbles and you danced to music in your head. But we always seemed to be on the same wave length. Always. Or remember the time we got kicked out of Amaths class and we went around the school taking random pictures? Or how we used to hide out in the toilet for minutes at a time in a desperate attempt to get out of doing math? Remember how for a month straight you were addicted to M&Ms? Do you still like them? Remember how we used to trudge down to the shop)(i forgot its name.. ): sad I know) and you used to read out tips from 17 or Cosmo? Remember how I followed you from school to school to try and find Haz___? There are some days where I think of you, and I hope that you've found him. Remember the notes we used to exchange even though we were siting right next to each other. Or how we could make the most random things seem funny? I can't remember the rest, well I do, but these were the few memories that stuck to me with clarity.

There were moments where all I wanted to do was to call you. Those moments where so strong somedays to the point where I wouldn't want to go to school. I don't blame you for walking away. It took me awhile to understand it, but I ultimately understood your decision. I was on self destruct, and no one would have been able to stop me. It took you leaving, and leaving TKGS for me to finally stop myself. Its true, what they say, that you have to hit rock bottom before you can climb back up. After TKGS, I spent my days at home, alone. I wanted desperately to call you, to see what you were doing, or how you were, but I figured you were better off without me.

There were moments where I hated you. I needed you, and you left me. You took all my other friends away from me, and it seemed that you had everything, while i had nothing. But I stand corrected. There were some days where I would look at you, and you would be smiling at something Nat said, or Sak. And i would feel this insane burning in my chest, this sense of "i used to be a part of that". I missed you the most, out of the others. When I lost you, I didn't want anything to do with TKGS or who I was back then. I was disgusted with myself, so very confused and hurt and unbelievably alone. RP provided me that. I changed my name, I changed me, I cut my hair, I changed my clothes, I changed who I was. I didn't want to be a part of Theatre anymore, because it would remind me of TKGS, and inevitably you. RP was the clean break and new beginning I was so desperately looking for.

I was getting better, but in some ways worse. I found new friends, so different from you that at first I was happy, but I would unconsciously always compare them to you. My new friends don't love books the way we do, they don't get the same spark we (cheesy but true) got when we talked about books. Or about life, or about anything. Its difficult to be someone so different from who I was. Just the same, I do love my friends now, but there'll always be this part that'll wish and wonder what it would be like for us to have stayed friends.

I guess I really didn't appreciate you back then. I was a sinking ship and you were desperately trying to save me. I lied, I threw your kindness, your love and your concern back in your face. You have no idea how that eats away at me at night. During the day, its okay, but at night, when I'm completely alone with my thoughts, thats when everything just comes back to me in a rush. I can still remember your face, when we fought. You were so angry, but so hurt and betrayed. You were my best friend, and I'm making a guess and saying that I was yours too. Thats why it hurts so bad.

I admire you, for writing to me.

I would never have done something like that, for fear of being rejected or ignored. In my head, i'd imagine all these scenarios, where we'd meet, and depending on which emotion I was feeling strongly at that point, we would either make up, or ignore each other. I miss you too. You remember how with you, there was always me, and with me there was always you? Back then we were a package deal. Buy one get one free. You remember our rides back home? Some days we couldn't stop talking. On others we had nothing to day. But it was never awkward. Never. I wonder about you sometimes. What has changed, what stayed the same. Like are you over K______? I know i lost my privilege to know these things about you, but sometimes I do wonder.

I was hurt by everything too. I was too young, to naive to have done anything better. If I could re-do it? Would I ? Sometimes I think no, because then I wouldn't be who I am today. Sometimes I think yes, because you meant the world to me at one point in time. Remember how we used just walk to the Kerrang shop if we needed a break from everything? Or how we both loved the smell of rain. Then again, who doesn't? Or how we used to drive everyone else insane? When you walked away, honestly, I hated you. Because in my head, you were the one constant there. But believe me when I say I don't hold it against you. At all. I understand why you did it.

We used to do everything together.

You were the greatest friend anyone could have asked for. You just seemed to get me. You knew what I needed, I knew what you needed. We both did stupid things, but we also did things for each other. I want to thank you. Because if you hadn't made the decision that propelled me to get better, I wouldn't have made it this far. I'd still be on my downward spiral to no where. I owe you.

There are so many things I want to share with you, so many stories I want to tell, so much laughter and tears I want you to be a part of. I would love to know everything about you too. Because yea, as you said, we've both changed. There are moments where I see things that remind me of you, and I think to myself what you would have said. I was reading through our old letters the other day, and I realized just how much you gave me.

I'm sorry its taken me this long to realize it.

No matter how much I tried, (I even deleted your number), its still ingrained in my head. Like its one of those things I'll never forget.

As i'm writing this now, a rush of memories are coming back to me. From you curling my hair, to us running around like crazy people. Remember our corner at the back of the school, and the colony of ants we discovered there? Remember sharing meals at pizza hut? or going late for everything because "we were you and me?" I laugh whenever I think of the answer we gave, and how all the teachers all seemed to accept it simply because we were us. Or how you were so clumsy too. Or our many famous epic fights with S___n? Or the studio? and we felt like that was the only place we truly belonged? Or how we were supposed to write a book on mats? "Don't judge a mat by his hat?" We carved our names into the rock at school. Well our "memberxzzsss" names. Boo and Spazz.

I never forgot you.

PS:They still kept my EZ-link card after all these years??!?

Love always,

Floating doughnut.

Misunderstanding.

Words can very easily confuse or hurt.

I suppose I should have been clear.

I'm not angry or sad or whatever.

I just don't like being made fun off.

Its sad and degrading.

I mean c'mon la. You know me right, you know i'm sensitive and I have soft heart.

Besides, Jon said if I was mean once it means that everyone will stop. I won't do that, cuz I don't want to lose my friends, but sometimes its tempting to just tell them to stop.

Three Cheers For Five Years

I know people may think that the title of the song implies a relationship that ended after five years, but music is universal and transcends all meanings. That's the great thing about music. So I haven't really blogged in awhile, and its not from lack of things happening, trust me, but more of me not having the right words. A case of writer's block. As the case is for most writers, they usually need something to jolt them back into the habit of writing, or rather having things to write. Mine came in the form of being teased.

I know it seems like all I ever talk about is being teased, but what people don't realise is that these things really happen to me. People do tease me under the pretense of being funny. What I don't like is the hypocrisy the show when I try to do same. Apparently its "mean".

While I don't discredit them saying I've changed, I strongly believe that it is not for the worse.

ARGH.

I'm going to just talk about what happen that suddenly inspired my words. So I was rushing back to class and I was trying my best to hurry back, but I'm short, and its not excatly easy for me to walk fast. They laughed. I'm used to it i guess but it still stings every time someone decides to make you the fool.

Sigh.

Fear

I am so scared.

So very extremely, completely scared for tomorrow.

We're starting school, and along with a new semester comes a new class. I am not looking forward to this AT ALL. Because I think I am socially awkward and will be unable to hold a deccent conversation with any of my new classmates. I feel so lost, so backed into a corner, because Sab knows someone from orientation in her class and Jon the lucky bastard has one of our ex classmates in his class, and I just feel like the only one who doesn't know anyone.

I'm not sure what this new class is going to be like, but I feel like i'm already not going to fit in. That kind of thinking is always dangerous, because when you psyche yourself out, chances are, things will go horribly wrong for you. I just want to be normal and have friends yea, but I'm not so sure about it, I mean i was so nervous I spent the whole of yesterday night thinking of my introduction to the class. I MEAN COME ON. I FUCKING PLANNED MY INTRODUCTION SPEECH. FUCK MY LIFE.

I am so scared yea, that everyone will move on.

Tim Burton

You're always left thinking.

What is it with Tim Burton, and is amazing talent of weaving human concepts into a way that is in no way hypocritical or patronizing? Its beautiful, to see his creations.

This post won't have a title.

Its all over the place, or rather my thoughts are all over the place.

I don't know just who you are.

Things are really getting fucked up. Its getting so tiring, and so emotional every time there's a rift between my friends and I.
You know initially, I was always more afraid of losing Jon then I was about losing Sab. But now, I'm not so sure anymore. I took the fact that she'll always be there for granted. I never ever thought that it would come to a point where she wouldn't be there anymore. Not like be there when I need her, but just be there in general.

I already resigned myself to the fact that Jon would no longer be a part of my life the moment I realised he could sometimes be a really shitty friend. Sab help me see that. But now she's not here anymore. I don't want to make it seem all self pitying and shit, becuase despite how suck-ish this is, I don't want to spend the rest of my time pissing and moaning about friends who weren't really there to begin with.

Just like in secondary school, I'll pick up the pieces. This is the very reason I try so hard to just focus on my writing.I'm not jaded, just facing the fact that while you're friends, its great, but the moment you're not anymore, it sucks. I also get that I should care more about the good times, but i'm just a kid. For all the big talk, at the end of the day, i'm still a kid, vulnerable and entirely way too trusting.

I'm trying to find the moment where things began to fail, but I am guessing you can never fault one single moment alone. It's probably a series of events. Of where we both pulled back equally. It started with the night of my birthday chalet. I was upset, but I hid it. That was probably wrong on my part. Then came the class BBQ. That was what confirmed the fact that we'd been growing apart and it took her not coming for me to realise the severity of the situation. I tried so hard to pretend that things were okay when I went to meet her, but really, upon hindsight, we just swept it under the carpet.

We're girls, we're supposed to use our words, we're supposed to be ones who were better at communicating. But for all my faith in words, it seemed that they failed me. I get that at the same time, just because we're girls, its harder for us to listen with no judgements. I know this very well. She asked if I was upset about her absence, and honestly, it made me so fucking miserable that my own best friend couldn't turn up for something that I tried so hard to plan. Even Jon came. In her defense, she was sick with fever. But that didn't make me feel any less cheated or betrayed or upset. I looked it up on the internet. These feelings are completely legit. I tried to pretend that I was okay, but i wasn't.

I guess Jon was there, but as I said, I kind of realsied some time ago that he was kind of a lousy friend at times. He has his girlfriend, and his job, and I suppose that's the kind of guy any girl would be lucky to have as a boyfriend, but as a best friend he kind of is an epic fail.

Now I don't even want to go for the chalet tmr anymore. Jon won't be there, and Sab won't either. And it just feels all wrong for me to be there without either of them. I don't feel the security I usually do, and I just feel wrong. Because it would mean that I'm truly alone.

So Sab isn't going, and she pulled the whole "i know you're disappointed in me" card. And I wish I could just stop being so accomodating and scream that no, its not okay that she's not going, its not all solved because I said its okay and I JUST AM SO FUCKING FUSTRATED WITH HER. God. She doesn't realise how little I've seen her, and to think that a month ago, we were promising to be friends no matter what. How completely naive and stupid of us to think like that. I just fucking miss my best friend. I lost one, I don't want to lose the other one too.

And i'm kind of hurt that she's think that one apology makes everything better. We're girls for god's sake. We rarely ever mean what we say. And its so stupid of me to say its okay then rant about it here. But its the only outlet I have, and my stupid nature of trying to make sure no one's feelings get hurt doesn't let me tell her face to face. I guess in retrospect, keeping things from people, even in their best interest never faired well. And I just so desperately want to talk to someone about it, but I can't. If I fought with Jon, i'd go to Sab. If I fought with Sab, I'd go to Jon. But that's just not possible anymore. Jon is living in his stupid bubble, and Sab just floating away.

I don't see anyway I can keep us all together anymore. When Sab fought with Jon, thats when everything started going downhill. We just got dragged down, Jon couldn't find it in him to care about our friendship, and Sab was too stubborn to give him a chance. I don't know why I forgave him either.

The more I think about it, the more I'm starting to believe that Jon was never really my best friend. Well to me he was, but I don't think I was to him. It hurts. Argh, I could blame this completely on me being a woman, but would be completely finding an excuse.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Lost

I fought with Jon. Though I don't think it can be called fighting if the other person doesn't reply you. More like a cold war shit. I don't know what I'm talking about. I don't know what I'm doing. I accidentaly didn't reply Sab, I swear I was watching t.v and I just lost track of time. God everything is snowballing out of porpotion. I can't do this anymore.

Im going to meet her now, and settle everything.

What I have done?

I may have alienated the one person who means the whole world to me. I can't to anything right. She deserves to have better friends than me. This is a repeat of secondary school all over again. Where beneath the words of forgiveness spoken, there's an undercurrent of anger and hurt. Can you ever possibly forgive someone fully? I don't know. Maybe.

I hope we can hash things out. Because fuck, she means a lot to me. She's the one I can go to. And I hurt her.

Now I have to fix things. I don't know if things will ever be the same between us anymore.

But I want it to, so badly.

Fuck. What have I done?

Freeze Frame

I think I may have develop a certain crutch to help me cope with the fact that my friends and I are drifting apart. Crutches are dangerous, because if you become overly dependant on them, then you'll start needing them for everything. Some people use drugs, others alcohol, I use my ex. It used to be writing and reading, but that was back when all I needed was my own company. I've gotten too used to being around people that now I can't stand to be alone. So I use him, and maybe its bitchy of me to use someone like that, but he uses me too...

We both need each other, he gives me what I want, I give him what he wants. Even if it would end up hurting the both us. Its so unhealthy, but it works for the both of us. My friends have no right to be unhappy about it, because its because of them I'm in this position. Ok no, that was unfair of me to say. What i meant was that they lost the right to be unhappy when they all started to ignore me.

I don't know if we'll ever be the same.

I want to be the old me. But there are some qualities you posses carelessly, and the very act of caring makes it impossible to get back. I just want to be on stage. I want to act, in plays, not on the big screen. I don't care if people don't know my name, all I want is that feeling of peace, of content, of belonging that i felt only when I was on stage. It was a cathertic experience. I want something like that.

It was a time when I didn't need people to build my own self worth, and any confusion and problems were solved by writing a script or monolouge about it. It allows you to release everything you feel, but still giving you that third person hindsight, to see where you went wrong.

Sigh.

Big Time

This week as been a week of big times.

Big surprises, big disappointments, big choices.

So my parents had a chalet, apparently it was part two of my birthday celebration, and it was supposed to be both for my family and friends, but none of my friends turned up. I was sad, and my uncle, who is awesome talked to me about it. He said I shouldn't focus on it, and instead have fun with my family, and I did. It was like really fun, we played games, went swimming, and sat around, trading embarrsing stories, well it was mainly the adults telling stories of us(the kids) when we were younger. All I have to say is, wait till its your birthday, I'll get information from my grandparents. Then we'll see who's embarrssed.

Muhahahaha.

I always thought it was funny when people laughed like that.

Anyway, I made the choice to go out with my ex on monday, because I was lonely and bored and alone. I know, horrible reasons. But what the fuck ever. We went to Borders, where I spent a whopping $200+ on books. My ex is the only guy, no scratch that, the only person who'll follow me to go book shopping. He's awesome like that(: though he can be horrible at times.

Its one whole big question mark when it comes to him and I. We're both so different, yet so similar, and its just so easy to like him. Its real easy to hate him too, when he's being a total jerk face. Him and I, we're way too destructive to ever be in a normal, healthy relationship. Its like when we're together, there's no one else, its just all-consuming, and its dangerous for us both. He and I, we'll always love each other, it just varies at different times. Its crazy, but its what we have.

Anyway, it was sweet of him to follow me(: and he was set on coming to the chalet, but there was no way Id have him and my relatives in the same room. My parents would be okay, but if I brought guy, alone, there's no way in hell any if my relatives would have liked that. They'd probably be all scandalised and stuff. Boring people.

So despite my ex's coaxs to get out of the house, I have been holed up in my room, reading my new books. Love them, like this awesome book, Freeze Frame, and another, Fallen. I love books, and I'm glad I've got time to read. My friends haven't texted me yet.

I guess we're drifting apart.

Its sad, cuz I don't want to, but its not up to me. Sigh.

A little less seventeen candles

Happy Birthday!

Was the phrase of the day, and honestly, that phrase, along with I love you, as got to be my most favourite phrases in the entire english language. It was my birthday today, and I LOVED IT.

My amazing best friend, Sabrina, planned the entire event, from scamming me, to surprising me. I love her. I had the most amazing day, with Japheth, Farah, Michelle, Wan Him, Louis, Nas, Angie and Jyaan. They all surprised me, by coming over to my house, and scaring the shit outta me. It was the one of the best moments of my life.

I had so much fun, and I must thank my family too. I LOVE THEM. my mum helped plan it, and dad and sis were amazing. not to mention my grandma, and her awesome cooking, and my uncles, aunts and cousins, who made things so fun. And to my grandfather, who's come an incredibily long way.

The icing on top of my cake, (pun intended) was when Jon turned up. I missed his stupid face so much, and he turning up to my birthday, meant the world to me. He actually came, and I was so suprised, and so so so incredibily happy. He has been so distant with all of us lately, i was scared that we wouldn't be friends anymore. But he did come, and I love him for that.

I love all of them for putting in their time and effort.

Thank you for the best birthday ever.

The Memory

Winter's gone and I still can't sleep

Summer's on the way

At least that's what they say

But these clouds won't leave

I'm in the mood for sad songs, and when that happens, it means that i'm usually inspired to write. To take out every emotion that I've ever felt, and try to translate into words. If I were an artist, I'd describe my mood as being raging red, calm blue, and regret filled yellow. I've made a huge mistake. I've lost something that I can't take back, something that was supposed to be special, but in a moment of teenage angst, insecurity and disability to think through choices I lost. In a moment of anger, I projected my anger out, and in the end, I only ended up hurting myself so badly.

I can't tell anyone about it, not even Sab, because I feel so disgusted about what happened, and thinking about it just makes me relieve the the ordeal, and I just want to curl up and cry,

Only one person knows about it, and he won't help me.

I don't know why, but I do know that I brought this entire thing onto myself. Its painful, and I have to live with it for the rest of my life. I made a huge mistake, and I just want to take it back. i want things to go back to the way they were.

And then there were three

These are my best friends. Sabrina, and Jon. So finally you can put a face to them. Sab's awesome. Jon, yea, he's sweet.

But you know, sometimes I just feel like we're all just going in different directions, and that scares me sometimes, because I've come to care about these two a lot. Without Sab, I'd be lost, and without Jon, I'd never know what is to really laugh. Both of them are so different, but its like we mesh together really well.

I'm going to miss them once the new semester starts. Sighs. ):

Disgusting

It's disgusting how I love you

I can't take it

I should hate you

You know, its currently exam period over here at RP(retarded poly) as my friends and I affectionately refer to it. We're having UTs, which in normal people speak means Understanding Tests. As its name suggests, its a test to see if we understood whatever we have learnt in the months. Of course, I think its ridiculous to have exams at all in poly, but hey, that's just me.

I can't wait for my next semester to start. Awesome shit I tell you. There's modules on human anthropology studies, and other artsy things that I live for. Finally the days of maths and science are over. Imagine my shock when I realised that I would still be plagued by nightmares of algebric equations and trigonometry formulas even after burning all my math books after graduating from secondary school. I mean honestly, in a course called New Media, I didn't expect maths or science. I still have nightmares about books chasing me, screaming out useless formulas. *shudder*

My sister asked me to open a tumblr account, but after considering, I decided not to create one. Even if having a blogger account makes me an old fashioned loser, there is no way I could possibly limit myself to a short post accompanied by a picture. Becuase I can't write paragraphs. I write fucking novels. Haha. I've always wanted to say that.

But I have decided to include pictures, because I figured that if I was to immerese myself into the media, I should make use of all media outlets. Yes, the computers are a media outlet, but I wanted to have pictures to follow my long ramblings.

I realised something, I don't always have to blog about something of consquence. Its not like just because I don't talk about philosophical bullshit all the time doesn't mean that what I talk about is any less important right? As I've said, you can't judge how a person feels, its not fair, and what gives you the right to put a price on other people's feelings?

As I'm sitting on the bus, on the way home, I'm thinking about one of my friends. And I'm debating if I should disclose his name, or if I should keep it a secret. I don't really know why on my blog anonimity is important, but I feel like unless it's a positive situation, I shouldn't tell people who I'm talking about. Its not like its a rule, its just my own personal rule.

The Best of You

I've got another confession to make,

I'm your fool

Everyone's got their chains to break,

Holding you

I just read through my last post, and while it sounded totally kick ass and had the whole "i'm over you" vibe to it, I think I can say it maybe a lie. I probably typed that when I'm in one of my moods, one of my I don't want to love you moods. Where I get completely pissed off. It is, an intergral part of my overall process of getting over someone. Because for all I do, for all I try to forget, he's got the best of me.

Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You'd die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess

There'll always be a soft spot for him in my heart, and I know i'll be able to forgive him for whatever he may do. It may sound utterly pathetic and weak of me, but I'm no fool. I'm getting tired of starting again somewhere new. So I'm not going to go through the whole cycle. Instead I'm going to do something I should have done, instead of hiding behind my words, or tears, I should have dealed with it. I can't go through my life hiding. Well writing is, and always be an outlet for me, but it shouldn't have to be the mask behind which I hide.

I try my best not to indulge in hypocrisy. But honestly, its hard. I don't think I can ever truly always say what I mean, and mean what I say. There will always be those little moments where to save my pride, or to put up a brave front, I'll lie. And maybe that makes me a lesser person, but I'm not ashamed to admit it. So with this whole issue about this one boy, who's always in my thoughts, always the catalyst for my actions, all I can say is that I should never underestimate the power of time. Time is too short, to fast, to ever completely dwell on one issue forever. So this boy, whose name perhaps one day I'll be brave enough to type, will be a fleeting memory. When I think of him, I'll always have that small tinge of regret for what could have been, but then I'll remember all our moments, yea, we had alot of moments. In those moments, we weren't burdened with anything else. It was just him and I.

It may sound cliche, but thats the only way I can describe our friendship. Its so unhealthy and all consuming, its destructive, but I love it. I wouldn't trade it, even if it is what causes so much heart break. I know I sound stupid, crazy and slightly physcotic, but I can't help the way I feel sometimes.

I tend to swing from the opposite ends of the spectrum, always either scalding hot or icy cold, never neutral warm. Never grey, always black or white. But I don't doubt for a second that its wrong. Its gotten me into trouble yes, caused me to be too passionate, caused me to make stupid choices, but it was always what I wanted to do. Never have my choices compromised who I am as a person. And that is one thing i will never ever change.

I needed somewhere to hang my head

Without your noose

You gave me something that I didn’t have

But had no use

I was too weak to give in

Too strong to lose

My heart is under arrest again

But I break loose

My head is giving me life or death

But I can’t choose

I swear I’ll never give in

No, I refuse

So in due time, I will get over everything. The problem with teenagers, is that they face every ending as if it is the end of the world. I am no excpetion to this. I am only sixteen, and my life has barely started. To place all of my hopes on teenage boys is maybe naive of me. I have realised that when you're looking for something, you rarely ever find it. Most of the time, it comes to you when you're not looking for it. Instead of actively trying to find someone, for once, I'm just going to enjoy the journey and not worry about the outcome.

Why is it that people need to find people to be happy? Even the most seemingly uncaring of men would probably have loved, wanted and needed someone else at one point in their lives. So much so they stop caring about everything else. Like the fact that instead of moping around, I could get off my ass and do something different for a change.

Sometimes I feel as if I've grown up, but then I look at my posts, and realise that all I am is a scared, sixteen year old, not ready at all for the world. As much as it pains me to say it, I still have my rose coloured glasses on. Though I am not illusioned about the plights of the world, it seems that I am still blinded when it comes to people on an emotional level. Mainly the relationship, friendship part of emotions. Is there ever a time when you'll just know everything?

Maybe when it all ends, when you're taking your last breath, as you're surrounded by your loved ones, and you smile, then everything makes sense.

So to that boy, I'll probably never forget you, but over time, I'll think of you less and less until you're memory, stored and kept away.

Hollywood Whore

I almost told you that I loved you

Thank god I didn't cuz

It would have been a lie

I don't think much has happened since my last post.

No, I lie.

I got my head out of the clouds where I keep all my thoughts of him. I am happy to say I couldn't care less about that fucktard. Yes, he's a fucktard. Perhaps you don't beleive me, since I

'm actually taking time off to write about him on my blog, something that contridacts indifferance.

But that's just the way I deal.

I write, be it because I hate or love someone. So I decided that I had enough of whining and crying over some guy that barely saw me in that way. Well it might be the end of our friendship, but if he was really my friend, lets just say things would have turned out differently.

So I guess here's the part where I give some vindictive speech about how its his loss, how sorry he'll be, blah blah, but I can't say that'll be true. Lets face it yea, he might be as good as it gets. But that is not going to stop me from having fun.

I decided to take the advice the many over cliched "live your life like its the last day" crap feel good movies, and move on. Crap something's wrong with me. First I start to identify with sad angsty teens, then I start to take advice from badly written romance movies?

Dammit something's wrong with me.

In other news, in an attempt to salvage any romance I might have had before the whole spectacle, I went on a date today.

CRAP. I HAVE BECOME ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO BLOG ABOUT THIER DAYS!!

I better go now, before I start recounting everything that has happened to me.

Fuck.

Painting Flowers

Strange maze

What is this place?

I am even more so in love with All Time Low. They haven't changed their sound since they first started out. Originality is something that has become a raritey, in pop culture. They try to produce a conformed sound, take out the essecne of what rock represents. Imperfection. Each song is a story, its feelings, poured upon a piece of paper.

Speaking of feelings being poured out, I have a lot to let out. This week has been, suffice to say, a total wreck. I haven't been able to sleep at all without wanting to cry. Friday, was the last day I would ever spend with my friends before its time to move on to other classes. Perhaps you think its silly of me to be so affected, but as I think I have been saying in most of my previous posts, I don't feel things at their surface value. I tend to think too much, and too deeply. I am a brooder. I love doing nothing more than thinking about things. Mind you, its substantial things.

So, on friday, it was water works. I could not stop crying. Throughout the entire day of "don't worry", and "we'll keep in touch," and "friends forever," there was this feeling inside of me that simply refused to believe anything that been said. It was the part of me that been left behind before, the part that been forgotten, when my previous friends picked up their bags, dusted their shoes and stored their memories, ready to start anew. I was left behind, unable to move as quickly as they did.

I am afraid this will happen again. I don't think I would be able to take it. I love these people too much to ever walk away from them. The problem is, I fear they will not have the same difficulty as I do. I hope and pray that they never fade away. I want them to be a part of my life, watch me make mistakes, and be right there to make them with me. I want them to be there when I need a shoulder. I just really want them to be a part of my future.

I fear I may have lost one of them already. He's my best friend, and god, I need him. But I'm so scared one day he won't be there anymore. One day he'll leave me like everyone else has. He already seems to not have time to spend time with us. I fear he'll replace me... I think that'll break my heart.

I know one of my other best friends, she's the most loyal friend anyone could have ever asked for. Fierce, confident and wild, everything I know I'm not. I love her too, and I'm scared one day she won't need me anymore. Without this two people, I don' think I can go on.

Perhaps you're thinking its too stupid of me to depend so much on people. Maybe it is stupid and naive to put too much faith into people. Like I've said, people change their minds so easily. So fickle, so easily swayed. I'm too trusting. I love these people too much. So invetiably, if things end badly, I'll be hurt. But it'll be with the knowledge that I had real friendship.

God I love him. This is a sperate issue all together. I love him. And thats why, he's the one who can so easily break my heart. I can finally indentify with those sad tragic girls people sing about in songs. Like that Taylor Swift song. The one about the girl being in love with a guy who's in love with someone else. He doesn't know anything, and I want it to stay that way.

He's got my heart, and he doesn't even know. Whenever he's not with me, I can't help but to miss him, I can't help but to wish he was there. Sometimes I wish he would just look at me, like really look, and then he'll know. Sometimes I see flashes of it on his face, but they disappear as quickly as they come. Like he's guilty he feels like that. And it hurts me that I made him feel that way.

Maybe its a blessing in disguise, this whole not seeing each other as often. It'll give me the chance to make things okay. It'll give me the chance to move on. Because I do not want to spend my days pinning for a guy. Angst doesn't look good on me.

I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night...

One by one, the leaves began to fall.

I have a story planned out in my head. I know what I'm going to write. I have a plan. For my character. She's going to be a lost girl. Because everyone gets lost sometimes. It just depends if we're willing to find them.

Have you seen this girl?

She's about my height, she's got brown eyes too. She's quiet, shy, loves to read and write.

She loves to please other people. She can't remember the last time she had fun.

Have you seen her?

I'm thinking that the concept should be something like that. A sort of a "self" looking for "self". I'm not saying its going to be good, but its going to be honest. And real. As much as reading is a form of escapism, if your character's aren't real, then they'll forever be stuck on a page. They'll always be 2-D. The art is in trying to get the reader to identify with your character. To make them feel what she's going through, but still give them that objectivity that allows them to make accurate assumptions. If a book makes you cry, it accomplishes something. If it makes you think, it has accomplished everything.

That's my opinion of what makes a good book.

The Meadow

The rain pours down, wrapping the world in a blanket of dark grey storm clouds. A girl sits at her window, wishing she could play in the rain. Though it looks cold, harsh and unassuming, anything is better than staying her room, surrounded by bittersweet memories of love lost. Instinctively, she gazes into the trees, allowing her mind to guide her, once she can no longer see. There's a winding road, with brambles, and a ravine flowing close by it. Further and deeper into the forest she goes, as the path comes to end. Now, a choice has to be made. Continue on, and not know what lies in store, or turn back, and never come again.

She chose to continue. She always chose to go on. Because at the end of the path, there was a meadow. And there was a huge, old oak tree. It was filled with mystery and suspense, and as the girl sat under the tree and drifted off, she would dream of castles, princes and happily ever afters.

But she always woke up.

She always had to go.

The Artist in the Ambulance

The promises I never kept.

You know, when I write things down, I do so with little thought of how it affects other people. Or how things can snowball out of portion. But to think that that many people, or rather, to think that my friends read my blog would be ignorant, and self assuming of me. God forbid I should think myself too important. As my friends imply, writing and reading are two very boring ways to lead my life. I can't help it. If given the choice between going to a party and curling up with a good book, I'd pick the book.

Life, secondary school and girls, have moulded me into someone I know I'm not. Sad part is that I've allowed myself to slip so far. I ask myself, is putting myself through the trouble of awkward social situations really worth it? Where do I draw the line between being a social hermit and a social butterfly? Its at two ends of the spectrum. I want to be in the middle, but I know myself.

For all the talking I do, I know that I will not be able to pull off the cold indifference that I preach about. What I would give, to be apathetic. I don't want to react when I find out my "best friend" has left without me. I don't want to feel stupid, insignificant, and angst. I don't want to feel upset when I'm not a priority. I know it sounds selfish and childish. But is it really too much to ask for, for a simple consideration of my feelings? I mean, really, would it be that difficult to stop and think first?

Perhaps it is asking for too much. After all, we are all teenagers. As high and mighty we want to perceive ourselves as, at the end, we still have much to learn.

Time and time again, it is proven to me, that friends cannot be relied upon as much as family can. That being said, I do appreciate my friends now. One of my friends, she's like my mum personified. A cooler, younger, tongue pierced mum. Without her, I would probably end up in a ditch, dead.

However, I must say, I hate the way I am treated like a three year old kid. I do agree that I give reason to be treated as such. But that does not mean my personal belongings, or feelings, can be treated with carelessness. Its a double standard, and I hate it. I'm labeled a cry baby, but I'm not allowed to show anger. If I do, a chorus of "you're over reacting!" "be more open minded" "what's wrong with you" can be heard.

So chew on this; if I cry, I'm a baby. If I'm angry, i'm over reacting. Anyone else see the hypocrisy in that? Bear in mind that they're allowed to have their moments of anger and weakness.

Oh apathy, where are you?

If they're my friends, why is it that sometimes, I feel like I'm being patronized? And if I change, i'm being "emo". Look, its my feelings. Don't try and label them. It doesn't work that way. Incidents have occurred that have hurt my feelings quite a bit. Again, I've been branded as being over sensitive. In retrospect, they're wrong. For example, I was playing in the rain, because thats what I do, and I was made to feel like a fool because of it.

I don't like being told I'm crazy. So what if I like the rain? Sometimes I feel that I maybe a little too unconventional for them. I can't tell them about the stories in my head, the secret worlds I create, the colors I see everyday, and the melodies playing around in my head.

I can't tell them how I feel about the stars, or the moon, or the smell of rain, the feel of the sun on my skin, for fear of being mocked.

I'm not crazy, I'm not stupid, or weird, or psycho. I'm just me. And I feel that they haven't accepted that. Not only that, but they put me down, perhaps this is an error on my part. For allowing them to treat me like a gullible, naive kid.

They don't take interest in my writings, something that is an integral part of my life. They don't read what I have to write, or if they do, its a half hearted attempt at feigning interest. I hate that I'm so easily cut out of conversations. Meaning when i'm talking about drama, or writing, its as if I never spoke. I don't want to hide the part of me thats a dork, who loves reading anywhere, and once had a record of writing for 5 hours straight. Thats who I am.

Not the girl who gets drunk so often, and breaks her parents heart. I know its an overused cliche, but I've lost myself. I got realize that I've changed to fit in. Something i swore I would never do, even if threatened at gunpoint.

I'm hurt. Because I don't report, or gossip about the fivourlous details of my life, my friends don't read my blog, or what I have to write. The three people who read whatever I write faithfully are my parents and sister. They'll make time to read whatever I've written, be it a short poem or a novel in the making. They take an interest. That is something I feel I do too much of when it concerns my friends. I won a writing competition, and not one of them knows, because they didn't ask. I won't tell, because the sting of being brushed aside is far worse than ignorance.

I also don't want to tell my friends, because no matter how much we try to blindly pacify ourselves, we cannot take criticism. There will still be that bitter taste of "so thats how she really feels". Thats why I write everything on my blog. They won't read it, because they're too busy.

And believe what you will, but paper never judges you. You just feel, and let everything out.

In Plain Sight

Ring around the roses

Pocket full of posies

Ashes ashes

We All Fall 

Down.

I miss him. There are days where the pain of missing him is so acute, I can't breathe. Its impossible to forget him. As I keep saying, he was my best friend before everything went down. He was the one constant in my life, for 10 years. I miss him. I miss laughing with him about everything, and I miss fighting. And always winning, because he never could say no to me.

I miss the feeling of being loved, and I miss the feeling of meaning something to someone. 

My friends now all have their other halves. I am happy for them. Like rainbow and sunshine happy for them. I am not jealous, nor do I wish them to be unhappy. But I do feel longing. I do want someone I can tell every single little tiny detail to. 

Sigh.

So contagiously

You keep me hanging on so contagiously...

You're the only breaking me down like this.

I think I may have landed myself in a V.A.S. Thats short for very awkward situation. I find myself in a pickle, because I lied. Now, let me remind you, in my last post, I said lying was easy, and mind you, it is. But its the stupid feelings of guilt that make you go soft and want to confess. Here's the thing though, I didn't exactly do anything wrong....Yet. I'm convinced things will end up badly, but I can't walk away.

Does it make sense? I know if I don't get a hold on things, the downward spiral I have yet to go on will go careening out of control. I can't walk away from this. I'm being so stupid and selfish. Sometimes I wish I could strangle and tie up the less logical side of my brain in the corner, so I could think rationally for at least that short while. I know how this will end. And it will end as it has the last time it happened. 

I've got to keep reminding myself that I don't mean as much to them as they do to me. Its not as bad as it was in sec sch, thank heavens for that. I know the consequences of my choices, and I know where that led me to. So i wish i could stop building sandcastles, and just accept facts and move on.

Oh, to be a guy, would be a blessed relief. 

GAH. I'm loosing hope, there's a hole in my heart carved out from stone. A couple of tears, and I'm broken.  

I used to believe in feelings that could change things.

But now my heart is frozen.

The coldest heart-The Classic Crime

Lavender Raindrops

Lavender Raindrops

Prologue

There was a girl, standing under the tree. She had hair the color of storm clouds, a deep rich black, with light silvery grey strands in them. The only way you could see the unique coloring was only if she was under bright light, or if you managed to get close enough to her. From afar, she seemed to be a vision of perfection, with her long straight hair framing her face artfully. Though there was nothing fake about her. There was no make up on her face, for she didn't need it.

 

She had soft  features, that suited her fine. Pale, milky skin that seemed to glow in the moonlight, almost magical. She had wide innocent eyes, that were a molten greenish blue, turquoise, to be exact. Perfectly shaped eyebrows, a small cute button nose and slightly pouty lips completed her beautiful face. Right now, she looked like a distressed princess, breathing heavily, her eyes  clouded with tears and pain. The pain was raw, and it was easy to see that she was raging in an internal battle. With a final, heart breaking sob, she fell to the ground. Then as soon as she fell, she stood up, raising her head high to face the sky, as if she finally had accepted some inevitable challenge it had proclaimed on her. Her turquoise eyes flashed with determination as she wiped her tears away. 

The scared princess from before was replaced with a warrior queen.

 Her expression and stance never faltering, she took one step forward.