The Best of You

I've got another confession to make,

I'm your fool

Everyone's got their chains to break,

Holding you

I just read through my last post, and while it sounded totally kick ass and had the whole "i'm over you" vibe to it, I think I can say it maybe a lie. I probably typed that when I'm in one of my moods, one of my I don't want to love you moods. Where I get completely pissed off. It is, an intergral part of my overall process of getting over someone. Because for all I do, for all I try to forget, he's got the best of me.

Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You'd die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess

There'll always be a soft spot for him in my heart, and I know i'll be able to forgive him for whatever he may do. It may sound utterly pathetic and weak of me, but I'm no fool. I'm getting tired of starting again somewhere new. So I'm not going to go through the whole cycle. Instead I'm going to do something I should have done, instead of hiding behind my words, or tears, I should have dealed with it. I can't go through my life hiding. Well writing is, and always be an outlet for me, but it shouldn't have to be the mask behind which I hide.

I try my best not to indulge in hypocrisy. But honestly, its hard. I don't think I can ever truly always say what I mean, and mean what I say. There will always be those little moments where to save my pride, or to put up a brave front, I'll lie. And maybe that makes me a lesser person, but I'm not ashamed to admit it. So with this whole issue about this one boy, who's always in my thoughts, always the catalyst for my actions, all I can say is that I should never underestimate the power of time. Time is too short, to fast, to ever completely dwell on one issue forever. So this boy, whose name perhaps one day I'll be brave enough to type, will be a fleeting memory. When I think of him, I'll always have that small tinge of regret for what could have been, but then I'll remember all our moments, yea, we had alot of moments. In those moments, we weren't burdened with anything else. It was just him and I.

It may sound cliche, but thats the only way I can describe our friendship. Its so unhealthy and all consuming, its destructive, but I love it. I wouldn't trade it, even if it is what causes so much heart break. I know I sound stupid, crazy and slightly physcotic, but I can't help the way I feel sometimes.

I tend to swing from the opposite ends of the spectrum, always either scalding hot or icy cold, never neutral warm. Never grey, always black or white. But I don't doubt for a second that its wrong. Its gotten me into trouble yes, caused me to be too passionate, caused me to make stupid choices, but it was always what I wanted to do. Never have my choices compromised who I am as a person. And that is one thing i will never ever change.

I needed somewhere to hang my head

Without your noose

You gave me something that I didn’t have

But had no use

I was too weak to give in

Too strong to lose

My heart is under arrest again

But I break loose

My head is giving me life or death

But I can’t choose

I swear I’ll never give in

No, I refuse

So in due time, I will get over everything. The problem with teenagers, is that they face every ending as if it is the end of the world. I am no excpetion to this. I am only sixteen, and my life has barely started. To place all of my hopes on teenage boys is maybe naive of me. I have realised that when you're looking for something, you rarely ever find it. Most of the time, it comes to you when you're not looking for it. Instead of actively trying to find someone, for once, I'm just going to enjoy the journey and not worry about the outcome.

Why is it that people need to find people to be happy? Even the most seemingly uncaring of men would probably have loved, wanted and needed someone else at one point in their lives. So much so they stop caring about everything else. Like the fact that instead of moping around, I could get off my ass and do something different for a change.

Sometimes I feel as if I've grown up, but then I look at my posts, and realise that all I am is a scared, sixteen year old, not ready at all for the world. As much as it pains me to say it, I still have my rose coloured glasses on. Though I am not illusioned about the plights of the world, it seems that I am still blinded when it comes to people on an emotional level. Mainly the relationship, friendship part of emotions. Is there ever a time when you'll just know everything?

Maybe when it all ends, when you're taking your last breath, as you're surrounded by your loved ones, and you smile, then everything makes sense.

So to that boy, I'll probably never forget you, but over time, I'll think of you less and less until you're memory, stored and kept away.