What is this place?
I am even more so in love with All Time Low. They haven't changed their sound since they first started out. Originality is something that has become a raritey, in pop culture. They try to produce a conformed sound, take out the essecne of what rock represents. Imperfection. Each song is a story, its feelings, poured upon a piece of paper.
Speaking of feelings being poured out, I have a lot to let out. This week has been, suffice to say, a total wreck. I haven't been able to sleep at all without wanting to cry. Friday, was the last day I would ever spend with my friends before its time to move on to other classes. Perhaps you think its silly of me to be so affected, but as I think I have been saying in most of my previous posts, I don't feel things at their surface value. I tend to think too much, and too deeply. I am a brooder. I love doing nothing more than thinking about things. Mind you, its substantial things.
So, on friday, it was water works. I could not stop crying. Throughout the entire day of "don't worry", and "we'll keep in touch," and "friends forever," there was this feeling inside of me that simply refused to believe anything that been said. It was the part of me that been left behind before, the part that been forgotten, when my previous friends picked up their bags, dusted their shoes and stored their memories, ready to start anew. I was left behind, unable to move as quickly as they did.
I am afraid this will happen again. I don't think I would be able to take it. I love these people too much to ever walk away from them. The problem is, I fear they will not have the same difficulty as I do. I hope and pray that they never fade away. I want them to be a part of my life, watch me make mistakes, and be right there to make them with me. I want them to be there when I need a shoulder. I just really want them to be a part of my future.
I fear I may have lost one of them already. He's my best friend, and god, I need him. But I'm so scared one day he won't be there anymore. One day he'll leave me like everyone else has. He already seems to not have time to spend time with us. I fear he'll replace me... I think that'll break my heart.
I know one of my other best friends, she's the most loyal friend anyone could have ever asked for. Fierce, confident and wild, everything I know I'm not. I love her too, and I'm scared one day she won't need me anymore. Without this two people, I don' think I can go on.
Perhaps you're thinking its too stupid of me to depend so much on people. Maybe it is stupid and naive to put too much faith into people. Like I've said, people change their minds so easily. So fickle, so easily swayed. I'm too trusting. I love these people too much. So invetiably, if things end badly, I'll be hurt. But it'll be with the knowledge that I had real friendship.
God I love him. This is a sperate issue all together. I love him. And thats why, he's the one who can so easily break my heart. I can finally indentify with those sad tragic girls people sing about in songs. Like that Taylor Swift song. The one about the girl being in love with a guy who's in love with someone else. He doesn't know anything, and I want it to stay that way.
He's got my heart, and he doesn't even know. Whenever he's not with me, I can't help but to miss him, I can't help but to wish he was there. Sometimes I wish he would just look at me, like really look, and then he'll know. Sometimes I see flashes of it on his face, but they disappear as quickly as they come. Like he's guilty he feels like that. And it hurts me that I made him feel that way.
Maybe its a blessing in disguise, this whole not seeing each other as often. It'll give me the chance to make things okay. It'll give me the chance to move on. Because I do not want to spend my days pinning for a guy. Angst doesn't look good on me.
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night...
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