I think I may have develop a certain crutch to help me cope with the fact that my friends and I are drifting apart. Crutches are dangerous, because if you become overly dependant on them, then you'll start needing them for everything. Some people use drugs, others alcohol, I use my ex. It used to be writing and reading, but that was back when all I needed was my own company. I've gotten too used to being around people that now I can't stand to be alone. So I use him, and maybe its bitchy of me to use someone like that, but he uses me too...
We both need each other, he gives me what I want, I give him what he wants. Even if it would end up hurting the both us. Its so unhealthy, but it works for the both of us. My friends have no right to be unhappy about it, because its because of them I'm in this position. Ok no, that was unfair of me to say. What i meant was that they lost the right to be unhappy when they all started to ignore me.
I don't know if we'll ever be the same.
I want to be the old me. But there are some qualities you posses carelessly, and the very act of caring makes it impossible to get back. I just want to be on stage. I want to act, in plays, not on the big screen. I don't care if people don't know my name, all I want is that feeling of peace, of content, of belonging that i felt only when I was on stage. It was a cathertic experience. I want something like that.
It was a time when I didn't need people to build my own self worth, and any confusion and problems were solved by writing a script or monolouge about it. It allows you to release everything you feel, but still giving you that third person hindsight, to see where you went wrong.
Sigh.
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