This post won't have a title.

Its all over the place, or rather my thoughts are all over the place.

I don't know just who you are.

Things are really getting fucked up. Its getting so tiring, and so emotional every time there's a rift between my friends and I.
You know initially, I was always more afraid of losing Jon then I was about losing Sab. But now, I'm not so sure anymore. I took the fact that she'll always be there for granted. I never ever thought that it would come to a point where she wouldn't be there anymore. Not like be there when I need her, but just be there in general.

I already resigned myself to the fact that Jon would no longer be a part of my life the moment I realised he could sometimes be a really shitty friend. Sab help me see that. But now she's not here anymore. I don't want to make it seem all self pitying and shit, becuase despite how suck-ish this is, I don't want to spend the rest of my time pissing and moaning about friends who weren't really there to begin with.

Just like in secondary school, I'll pick up the pieces. This is the very reason I try so hard to just focus on my writing.I'm not jaded, just facing the fact that while you're friends, its great, but the moment you're not anymore, it sucks. I also get that I should care more about the good times, but i'm just a kid. For all the big talk, at the end of the day, i'm still a kid, vulnerable and entirely way too trusting.

I'm trying to find the moment where things began to fail, but I am guessing you can never fault one single moment alone. It's probably a series of events. Of where we both pulled back equally. It started with the night of my birthday chalet. I was upset, but I hid it. That was probably wrong on my part. Then came the class BBQ. That was what confirmed the fact that we'd been growing apart and it took her not coming for me to realise the severity of the situation. I tried so hard to pretend that things were okay when I went to meet her, but really, upon hindsight, we just swept it under the carpet.

We're girls, we're supposed to use our words, we're supposed to be ones who were better at communicating. But for all my faith in words, it seemed that they failed me. I get that at the same time, just because we're girls, its harder for us to listen with no judgements. I know this very well. She asked if I was upset about her absence, and honestly, it made me so fucking miserable that my own best friend couldn't turn up for something that I tried so hard to plan. Even Jon came. In her defense, she was sick with fever. But that didn't make me feel any less cheated or betrayed or upset. I looked it up on the internet. These feelings are completely legit. I tried to pretend that I was okay, but i wasn't.

I guess Jon was there, but as I said, I kind of realsied some time ago that he was kind of a lousy friend at times. He has his girlfriend, and his job, and I suppose that's the kind of guy any girl would be lucky to have as a boyfriend, but as a best friend he kind of is an epic fail.

Now I don't even want to go for the chalet tmr anymore. Jon won't be there, and Sab won't either. And it just feels all wrong for me to be there without either of them. I don't feel the security I usually do, and I just feel wrong. Because it would mean that I'm truly alone.

So Sab isn't going, and she pulled the whole "i know you're disappointed in me" card. And I wish I could just stop being so accomodating and scream that no, its not okay that she's not going, its not all solved because I said its okay and I JUST AM SO FUCKING FUSTRATED WITH HER. God. She doesn't realise how little I've seen her, and to think that a month ago, we were promising to be friends no matter what. How completely naive and stupid of us to think like that. I just fucking miss my best friend. I lost one, I don't want to lose the other one too.

And i'm kind of hurt that she's think that one apology makes everything better. We're girls for god's sake. We rarely ever mean what we say. And its so stupid of me to say its okay then rant about it here. But its the only outlet I have, and my stupid nature of trying to make sure no one's feelings get hurt doesn't let me tell her face to face. I guess in retrospect, keeping things from people, even in their best interest never faired well. And I just so desperately want to talk to someone about it, but I can't. If I fought with Jon, i'd go to Sab. If I fought with Sab, I'd go to Jon. But that's just not possible anymore. Jon is living in his stupid bubble, and Sab just floating away.

I don't see anyway I can keep us all together anymore. When Sab fought with Jon, thats when everything started going downhill. We just got dragged down, Jon couldn't find it in him to care about our friendship, and Sab was too stubborn to give him a chance. I don't know why I forgave him either.

The more I think about it, the more I'm starting to believe that Jon was never really my best friend. Well to me he was, but I don't think I was to him. It hurts. Argh, I could blame this completely on me being a woman, but would be completely finding an excuse.

I just don't know what to do anymore.