The Bird and The Worm

To save his life, he crawls like a worm form a bird.

I have no excuse to not have written anything for quite some time. Its like, you start to write, and you have all these things you wanna say, but as time passes, the whole novelty of blogging/publishing just wears off. And it becomes this thing where it has stopped being about writting for yourself, but writting for the people who read it. And I cant do that kind of thing. I'm just not the kind of person who has extremely interesting experiences to talk about.

Let the rain fall, and wash away my yesterdays..

Today was, forgive the overused cliche, hell. It was math. If you ask my mum, she'll tell you I'm "not having the proper mindset". If you ask my teachers, they'll say, "she doesn't have the aptitude for math". If you ask me, I'll just tell you that maths is as useful as used toilet paper. Dirty and stupid.

I'm not stupid. I know that. I can write beautiful words, I can create, imagine, dream and live. It just saddens me that people judge intelligence by how well you do in math and science. 

And that's just wrong.

If I prefer words to numbers, does that make me stupid? Hell no. It makes me creative.  I always had more fun with abstract concepts, and maths leaves no room for freedom. It stifles the flame, extinguishes it before it becomes a full fledged fire. 

And that's boring. To hell with it I say!

A lot has happened since today and last time I actually bothered to update. Comments were made, tears were shed, and apologies were mumbled.

We're young, stupid, and impressionable. Show me a teenager who has their feet planted firmly on the ground and I'll show you one who can't button his jeans. We make comments sometimes, thinking it to be funny. But we kinda forget  that others don't. 

SIgh. I'm sensitive. Go figure.

Just Like Heaven

The cure, rough hands-alexisonfire

I'm still here

Alcohol and bandages will soon follow this mess.

Different people, different days, it won't change. Do you find security in knowing that you're just like everyone else? Is popularity your quest? Do we all alter who we are just to fit in? You play with people's hearts and minds. You screw around with them just to get what you want. Why is it that I am the only one who sees you for you are? Under all the too fake smile, caked makeup and skanky clothes, all I see its a scared, insecure, pathetic, attention seeking little girl.

You disgust me.

I know you best. You try to hide your face, all i know is that you get what you get. Now you'll get what you deserve. I used to be like you. I would have done anything to have fit in, made the "perfect friends". But i'm not that girl anymore. Sure, at the end of the day less people may like me, and more than half of the school may never know who I am, but I can sleep peacefully sleep at night. Knowing that I never manupilated, lied or blackmailed to be "popular", makes all the difference between me and you. I am who I am.

You know me, or at least you think you do. You don't seem to see, that all this time, i'm trying to be something you can't define. I don't want your labels, or your judements or classifications. I'm not your science experiment. 

So lets make a list of people you care about, And its not much if anything. You'll throw the list away, because you don't need anyone. You just use them. 

You know your life isnt for me. Cause all you really need are a few good friends. I don't need to sell myself short.

Smile’s are too tempting and hopes as good as lies. Memories are pain that lost their meaning over time .

I just want to break you down so badly in the worst way possible. I'm gonna make damn sure that you'll see one day, that you were never happy. Those store-bought fake friends, they say" You, oh you, are so cool". They aren't going to stick around.

You used to be happy, we used to be friends. We used to share secrets. You said I'd never be able to make it without you. Well here I am. Not the same, not different, just me. In every sense of the word, Thats one thing you'll never be able to take away from me. 

I'll always be me.

You'll always be fake.

You wont know.

So Play Little Player.

(Mr.Hangman-Brand New,Good Morning Fire-Capeland,Never Ready To Leave-Sherwood)

Me, You, Life, Love and Death

You know, its hard. Its hard to pretend, its hard to be indifferent, and its hard to be around you. You give off this impression where I think you hate me, but it doesn't make sense.

I DON'T KNOW YOU.

Don't make face value judgements of me, because you lack the balls to even talk to me in the first place. So grow up, wear those big kid undies and shut up. I don't appriciate you acting like a bitchy, pmsy girl from secondary school. Aren't you a little too old for these games?

Sigh. Things don't seem to be going very well here on the project or group front, because I may or may not have ruined the project cuz i was confused and nervous and may/ maynot have rambled shit. I'm leaning towards me ruining things.

GAH.

I think its sad really, that mostly everyone in my class *ahem ahem*
It makes me think that i'm becoming a very bitchy person. I'm turning into the secondary school girl again. I'm scared, and I don't want to be that person anymore.

I AM SAD.

SIGH. My blog posts have stopped being about anything of consequence anymore. And I hate it.

I liked it better when I was cryptic and confusing and delusional while all the while hinting at a greater meaning/message.

I didn't get an A1 in english for no reason.

I hate what i have become. Vapid and unspired. Tired and boring. So bleh.

I need to find my "muse" again.

I Hate You

If the world ended, and we were the last ones left, I still would never want to be stuck with you. You're rude, obnoxious, loud and down right horrible to work with. I'm loud too, but I give people the chance to speak, and I don't put on airs like I'm right all the time.

I HATE YOU.

Sigh. For the first time since coming to RP, I don't know how I'm going to make things work. I don't know how to handle you, and I know we will clash. We're similar, but people can stand to be in my presence without wanting to vomit blood.

I HATE YOU.

I cannot be held accountable for my actions with you here, because I am bound to snap. Like a twig. SNAP. And when I do, you sure as hell better run. Because I swear to god i will kill you.

This is a very, very, very, very, dark, disturbing post.

I will let you know if I can come out of it alive.

The odds don't look good at all.

Save me. God knows I need it.

I'm Always Late With My Words

I should have told you.

If you run as fast as you can with your memories of me, you'll catch me.

I should have told you, but I never really could. I missed you. I tried so hard, but you really never cared. I'm always late with my words. You always misled me.

Run away and play your games. You hide so well that I can't find you. I'll wait. Then laugh as the trees burn down around you. I should have told you, but I never really cared. You got the worst of me. Its a shame, that you're still lying here, broken. In this moment, everything seems so clear to me. You meant nothing to me you see. Nothing.

When time passes, let me go so I can find a way to live.

You always got the worst of me.

There are those days when you feel a stabbing amount of hate for the idiot who broke you. You feel like screaming, and shoving their faces into the dirt. No? Well its just me I guess. I'm volatile, unstable, emotionally chaotic, and chronically, i tend to overreact.

There are those days that I wish you were still here. There are days where its unbelivably hard not to think back. Then I feel so stupid for feeling that way, because you never wanted this in the first place. Its disgusting what you did to me, and yet here I am, writing about memories long dead and forgotten. I feel like a fool. You're not worth putting myself in these situations. Your clever words mean nothing more to me than a lot I've heard in a movie. I keep pushing myself even though I can't take it at all.

I fell flat on my face too many times, left with the memories of a love lost. I hate you. 

Now you cry, now you need me. If you thought I would leap into your arms every time I see your face, you should've tried harder. Go on, prove it to me, show me that you gave me the world. Maybe you should have tried harder.

Its just like you to wander off, always looking for what you lost. I'm tired of it. I don't want to be alone. There is more to this I know, I will make it out. 

She's just like him, spoilt rotten by the lies she's been feed.

You're Not Alone. I wish it was true. I can't live my life waiting for you. I can't wait for forever. 

Speak Low If You Speak Love. Whisper softly in my ear, baby, our love was always a secret.

Oh baby, we can disappear away, away from here. Can you hear me? Tell me, whisper softly in my ear, they'll never ever know.

Those goddamned kids got nothing on me. Well I know who I am, and now YOU'LL never know.

 

Some times I feel like i'm from another world. And the things I want seem impossible. Because people will tear us apart. But at the bottom of our hearts, the dream's still alive. And I'll never forget. i'll never let your words walk all over me. I'm done listening to your lies.

Its me the that you'll never know. Don't make me be myself around you. Feel the pain that I never show, and I hope you know its never healing. Its too late, to say I told you so, but I told you so.

Why should I care? You were never there. I was so alone. You need to listen. You're not going anywhere.

Today's post makes no sense at all, its just thoughts strung together in a very non linear, abstract way. But if you were me, you'd get what I'm trying to say, If you're him, you'll know excatly what I'm saying. You have made harder just to go on.

Thats what you get when you let your heart win.

Keep me a secret. 

I keep my secrets safe, I keep them hidden from you. 

I won't tell if you won't. 

(I keep my secrets safe-Saosin, You'll never take us Alive-Madina Lake, Speak Low If You Speak Love-My American Heart, You're Not Alone-Saosin)

Lonely Hearts

Some where far away, the clock chimes twelve.

Its a unforgivingly cold night. The wind howls mercilessly, and its impossible to go anywhere. Thunder rumbles, and the sky flashes an eerie green, illuminating the night sky for a second. Through it all, a girl watches the sky. She has left her the warm comfort of her bed and is sitting in the middle of a clearing, shivering. Her ratty blanket provides little warmth, but she holds it close to her, shrinking herself into it. The staggering chill nips at her face, making it hard for her to breathe. Finally she coils up on the dirty ground, trying to retain whatever warmth she can. An easy solution would be to go back home. 

But she has no home. Home is where the heart is, and her heart has been cruelly ripped out and trampled on. The memory of it causes her to let out a strangled sob, as the wounds are re opened and the nightmares begin.

She gave her everything to him, and she trusted him. When they were together, it was as if only both of them were there. If love was a star, her love for him was as vast as the number of stars in the entire galaxy. So she spent her days, happy to be his.  Then a new girl came, and she was as harsh and cold and icy as a winter's day, a sharp contrast to the earthly, warm, calm atumn persona of our bittersweet girl. She came, and swept her prince right away. Atumn faded to winter, and love melted to heart break, leaving millions of shattered memories and broken promises in its wake.

She struggled to retain her spirit, and to push on. It was hard to see him hold her, to give her soft looks he used to give her. He loved that girl as much as the number of stars in the entire galaxy. 

The girl cried, clutching at her heart painfully, she would give anything to be blissfully unaware of how love felt. For now instead of feeling intense love and happiness when thinking of him , now she was left reeling with the taste bitter taste of loss. She would give anything to end it all.

The wind picked up, and fat drops of rain started to pour down, soaking through her pathetic blanket. She could feel the weight of the rain, and suddenly, she was too tired to struggle to stay warm. Her legs had gone numb, and she couldn't feel anything. She was numb. She was at peace, here, where she was too far gone to feel any pain, or any emotion. Just peace.

She closed her eyes.

Some where far away, a clock struck twelve.   

 ****************************************************************************************************************        You're just chasing shadows.

I cut my hair today. For along time, i used to relate how i looked like to certain period of my life. A new haircut, means a new change. And i hate change. 

Today i thought it was going to rain, to pour, until going out of the house would become an impossibilty. I was greeted with a cloudless sky. That made me moody. 

 And you're so different.

Do you have that one place you go to when you feel like things are getting to be too much to handle? I felt so small and insignificant today, when i put myself against what was happening the world. Am I really that selfish to cry over someone, when across the world a child cries because he has no way of surving? Am I that shallow to feel the way I do? Are all humans that way? Or has been become so easy to just focus on our own problems, rather than trying to care about the plight of a starving child. Is hard. And i'm so tired and confused.

Say what you want, but mean what you say.

 I'll give you this confession, i'm taking you with me..

I have nothing more to say today. Goodbye lonely hearts

We Write The Wrong.

(LONELY HEARTS-THE NEW AMSTERDAMS, BLOODY ROMANCE-SENSES FAIL,YOUR SONG-JAMSON PARKER)

Hold On Baby

I know at the end of my eternity, i will close my eyes and beg for peace.

Today was a stupid day.

I woke up at 7 to go for my french class, then went back home, where i had to listen to obnoxious secondary one students bitch about a girl. Typical. I wanted to strangle the lot of them. They waste oxygen supply by using it to feed their inane ramblings.

Oui, je parle on peur francias. 

You know those days where everything just reminds of you of the mistakes you made? Today it was as if there was this huge neon glowing sign above my head flashing; "WARNING, PROCEED WITH CAUTION. DANGEROUS MEMORIES AHEAD". I swear, everything there reminded me of the stupidity and naivety of my teen, angst filled heart. Its sickening, the amount of self pity i used to have for myself.

That was after i got practically bitch slapped into reality by someone i used to mean the world to. Lets just say its not easy to wash the bitter taste of loss. Those were hard times for me. I only had music to turn to, and while it was nice to indulge in my self pity by listening to emo, angsty songs, i had to get my head out of my heart of swirling emotions. 

Moving on is easy.

Not.

Its hard. But when you're ready, you're ready. Just don't take too long, because by then, most people would have left you behind.

Everyone changes, that includes you. Chances are, when you think everyone else has changed, its you who has changed. Stop changing. I don't like change. For better or for worse. Screw it. I need things to stay the same.

People are much like stars. Life is like the sky. Vast and intimidating. You're just one small star, amongst the thousands, millions of other stars. Some stars are bigger and shine brighter. These are the people who play a large part in our lives. Smaller, insignificant stars, are those that come and go. You know, just because you can't see the stars in the daylight, it doesn't mean they aren't there.

On a sadder, somewhat convulated note, the stars we see today, may not be there anymore. This is because the time taken by the light to travel that distance is so large, it dies. Don't let your light shine only after you're gone. Make the most of your life. 

Its true, what they say about life being too short. Its too short to cry over.

I am sick of everyone else.

All Hail The Heartbreaker.

Au reviour. 

(One last Kiss-Madina Lake, Six Feet Under The Stars-All Time Low, Smother Me-The Used)

There's a first for everything

I have decided that i owe it to myself, and to my waning sanity to be able to get the ramblings from my head out. My brain is too crowded, and i need a place for my new creations. This blog will be fairly boring to anyone who doesn't understand the golden rule; I rarely make sense. If you're looking to live vicariously through whatever I have to say, or are hoping to stumble upon a juicy scandal, i'm sorry, but i suggest you stop reading.

I gave ample warning, i'm boring. I walk into doors on a daily basis. Not on purpose of course. I haven't been living in the real world for quite some time now. I much prefer the world i've created in my head. As you've guessed, or maybe not, i'm that kind of person that can be sitting serenely while everything around me is being ripped apart.

Yea. I'm weird like that.

I love words. Words are the best. Words can lie, words can manipulate, words can hurt. Words words words. I like to think that what i write, the words i use, may make a small impact on whoever is at the receiving end of it. Words while plainly obvious, can stand for double meanings. You can't trust words, yet we are so dependent on them. Isnt that ironic? English by far, is my best subject. Anything to do with language pulls me in. I love words. Sigh.

I hate maths. I hate numbers. We don't get along. 

I love music, its huge part of who i am. I know many people may say this, but i'm not saying this just for the heck of it. Music is very important to me. I believe that there is a song for every emotion and every thing you go through. Every song has a story to tell. Except for pop songs. Sorry pop songs, but you totally ruined the music scene. The thing i look for in a song, would be the lyrics. I love words remember. I listen to mostly obsecure bands. I like it that way. It feels more personal that way, you can pretend that the band wrote that song just for you. Musicians can't lie. They effectively pour everything out into their songs.

I love to read and write(again, obsession with words). I love to read. Books provide you with the comfort of knowing that after a few chapters, and as the book comes to an end, the charectar's problems are solved. I wish life w as that simple. Make all the mistakes you want, but by the end, you have your happy ending. Books also allow you to experience the same things the charectar does, but through a glass wall, so you can always pull yourself out and watch it objectively.

Same goes for theatre. Drama, acting, is something i can relate to very well, and i feel that there is no one person who is completely honest about themselves. There'll always be that one thing you wouldn't want anyone else to know. Abstract, non linear ideas and concepts make most sense to me, because thats how i think. Things aren't always black and white. You gotta look at the grey areas as well.

As much as i love words, i am a compulsive bad speller. 

You'll be amazed at the secrets I keep

My life's the flames in a house of cards.

In this world, you'll learn that everyone lies.

Lies for Liars.

(music playing: House Of Cards-Madina Lake)