Addiction

"Addiction is a decision. An individual wants something, whatever that something is, and makes a decision to get it. Once they have it, they make a decision to take it. If they take it too often, that process of decision making gets out of control, and if it gets far out of control, it becomes an addiction. At that point the decision is a difficult one to make, but it is still a decision. Do I or don't I. Am I going to take or am I not going to waste my life or am I going to say no and try and stay sober and be a decent person. It is a decision. Each and every time. A decision. String enough of those decisions together and you set a course and you set a standard of living. Addict or human. Genetics do not make that call. They are just an excuse. They allow people to say it wasn't my fault I am genetically predisposed. It wasn't my fault I was programmed from day one. It wasn't my fault I didn't have any say in the matter. Bullshit. Fuck that bullshit. There is always a decision. Take responsibility for it. Addict or human. It's a fucking decision. Each and every time."
— James Frey (A Million Little Pieces)

There are different types of addictions, despite the obvious classification of them being about drugs and alcohol. You could be addicted to pain. You could be addicted to love. Or you could be addicted to people. I'm addicted to people and feelings. I can't stop feeling, and I can't survive in my own company. In order to survive in either of those situations, i have to use my addiction to words. Its dangerous to be addicted to anything, and what makes it scary is the fact you never want to stop. The rush, the thrill, the immense satisfaction that follows once you fulfill your cravings cannot compare to anything else. In that moment, you are safe, you are happy, and you are you.

I know its not healthy, but I have no wish to change. Besides, its not as if you can actually kick an addiction. You're merely substituting it with something else. Like if you're an alcoholic, and you say you changed because you turned to god, you're not really cured. You're just substituting alcohol for God.

I'm going to replace my addiction with people, with books. I've always said that books are an escape, so this would be the perfect opportunity to immerse myself into books. You know there are two types of people. Those people who genuinely don't care if they have friends or not, and those who have no choice but to pretend. I'm the latter. If I had my way, I would be surrounded by people all the time. I would never want to be alone, though the broody part of me begs for solace. Sometimes I can't decide. Sometimes even when I'm surrounded by people, I'm not really there.

Then sometimes, I get tired of dealing with people, especially Jon and Sabrina, because despite them being my friends, I don't think we truly do get along. They get along with the girl I am now, the girl that they see. Who I truly am, is someone who loves words and colours and dancing in the rain to music in my head. They don't know that part of me. I always I wondered if the reason we became friends was because I wanted be around people who were so different from who I was. I guess that's what happens when you change schools, change your name, your hair, to forget. To me, this is just another character I play. I do fear that i take things too far sometimes, when the lines between the fantasies and situations in my head are confused with reality. Those moments where I can literally feel myself losing grip, and asking myself, "Is this real?" These moments are getting more often, and that scares me.

I don't want to be so absorbed in my head, that I forget to live. Though I would like to be in a world where everything went to what I planned, screw "life is all about chance" and all that bullshit. Deep down, everyone wants to know how they're lives will end up. In my head, things would be so much easier to deal with. My secrets, my feelings, my thoughts, would purely be my own, and no one could ever make me feel as stupid as they do now. I hate it when people give me looks like I don't belong. Because, belonging doesn't mean being the same, rather its the social cohesion of different types of people coming together.

Being honest leaves you vulnerable. But i did it anyway. Big fucking mistake..He won't even give me the chance to talk to him. I think he owes me at least that little. I don't understand how one person could be so indifferent. His friendship[ defined me for a little while. The world's spinning much to fast, slipping from my grasp, and I can'r breathe. I don't know which me to be without him.

I'm addicted to him.