Untangle Me

Here's the words that tell the truth,

when its easier to lie.

I can't keep it in anymore. I can't cope. I'm only 17, and I have no way of being able to cope with the ten types of crazy that I face in school. I thought the crazy would stop, after getting out of secondary school, and away from girls, but apparently, the crazy never stops. I found out so much about my friend, and I don't know what to believe, what to do, how to act, what to say, nothing.

I should have been honest with her, but I couldn't bring myself to do that to her, not when literally everyone left her.She only has me, but I think I'm not enough anymore, because I cannot do this. I'm so sorry if I'm being selfish, but I cannot do this. I cannot put all my trust and faith into one person, who has lied to me. I'm not even going to say anything, because its besides the point. Its just that I honest to god cannot handle everyone putting their problems on me anymore. I realised that, thats what I did in secondary school, and saying that it didn't end too well would be an understatement. I don't want to go through with everything all over again.

What I really wanted to say to her was "I'm so sorry, but I can't do this anymore." But I held my tongue, bit back my words and let her talk it out.

I just don't know anymore.

Different

Different.

I feel different, like a good sort of different. I have not talked to him in about a week now, and gradually, the need to talk to him has dissipated. I longer find that there is a crushing need, a compulsion, addiction even to talk to him anymore. Every time I pick up the phone to text him, to try as hard as possible to ensure that he's still a part of my life, I simply put it back down. I am happy to say that my lack of pride when it comes to him has suddenly resurfaced, and its back with a vengeance.

However, I was reading A Million Little Pieces, and James(the author) said something about addiction that rang true with me.I think I may have posted about it somewhere before, but the essence of it is that you are never really cured of an addiction. You substitute one for the other. And I fear that I may have done that, with another person. I don't know how feel about this person(X), but I do know that in the short time that we've known each other, I have realized that if I'm not careful, I'll end up falling for person X. And it wouldn't be a bad thing, just inconvenient.

But I do feel like I'm hovering around, trying desperately to fill the void that has started to fester in my heart. Thats a mouthful. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel actually. Happy that I've moved on? Sad that he STILL doesn't care? Empty because everything's changed? Hurt because I never meant anything to him? Its like one huge mess of emotions. A myriad of complicated, twisting of emotions.

Butterfly Whispers

Preview of my original story

Introductions are overrated.

Its where for probably the five whole seconds that people actually bother to pay attention to you, you put on you

r best “Paris Hilton” smile and prepare to either lie, or stretch the truth to appear to be cooler than you really are. It never failed to make me laugh, if I was unlucky enough in the first place to be privy to what had to be one of man's stupidest rituals ever invented. The other being the toaster oven. I mean really, who wants to eat burnt bread? But I digress.

No one really cares about knowing who you are, or if your interests include reading(something that's considered “lame” as I've learned of late). The only thing that matters were looks and money. Typical human behavior. I tried to suppress a snort, lest I should interrupt the teacher's dictatorship worthy rant of

the class rules. I chanced a look around the classroom, and found people trying to furtively sneak a peek at “Edlewise High's hottest new piece of ass” as one of my new classmates so very eagerly put it.

I didn't get my five second introduction and already people were starting to categorize me. Apparently it was a tough choice between the “bad boy” and “closeted nerd” category. I mentally rolled my eyes at the amazing stupidity of my judgmental classmates. I could hardly hide the look of mild disgust whe

n one of said new classmates winked at me in what I suppose was considered to be “sexy”.

These humans willingly sold themselves short just to be accepted, something that these teenagers likened to finding the Holy Grail, as I was finding out. Often or not, these things failed to live up to the hype, just like how people failed to live up to the flattering picture they paint themselves as being. You're left feeling cheated.

Only in death do people truly show their true colors. Their petty wants and wishes are stripped away from t

hem, leaving only the essence of who they truly were. They were themselves, pure and true. And it was that beauty that made me choose to live. That and the boredom that comes with being around way too long. Yet for all the beauty in death, I was finding out that living, wasn't what it was all cut out to be. I sighed, thinking of all the other stupid human rituals I would need to subject myself to if I was to continue on.

“You wanted to be normal. So suck it up and deal with it.” I reminded myself.

Addiction

"Addiction is a decision. An individual wants something, whatever that something is, and makes a decision to get it. Once they have it, they make a decision to take it. If they take it too often, that process of decision making gets out of control, and if it gets far out of control, it becomes an addiction. At that point the decision is a difficult one to make, but it is still a decision. Do I or don't I. Am I going to take or am I not going to waste my life or am I going to say no and try and stay sober and be a decent person. It is a decision. Each and every time. A decision. String enough of those decisions together and you set a course and you set a standard of living. Addict or human. Genetics do not make that call. They are just an excuse. They allow people to say it wasn't my fault I am genetically predisposed. It wasn't my fault I was programmed from day one. It wasn't my fault I didn't have any say in the matter. Bullshit. Fuck that bullshit. There is always a decision. Take responsibility for it. Addict or human. It's a fucking decision. Each and every time."
— James Frey (A Million Little Pieces)

There are different types of addictions, despite the obvious classification of them being about drugs and alcohol. You could be addicted to pain. You could be addicted to love. Or you could be addicted to people. I'm addicted to people and feelings. I can't stop feeling, and I can't survive in my own company. In order to survive in either of those situations, i have to use my addiction to words. Its dangerous to be addicted to anything, and what makes it scary is the fact you never want to stop. The rush, the thrill, the immense satisfaction that follows once you fulfill your cravings cannot compare to anything else. In that moment, you are safe, you are happy, and you are you.

I know its not healthy, but I have no wish to change. Besides, its not as if you can actually kick an addiction. You're merely substituting it with something else. Like if you're an alcoholic, and you say you changed because you turned to god, you're not really cured. You're just substituting alcohol for God.

I'm going to replace my addiction with people, with books. I've always said that books are an escape, so this would be the perfect opportunity to immerse myself into books. You know there are two types of people. Those people who genuinely don't care if they have friends or not, and those who have no choice but to pretend. I'm the latter. If I had my way, I would be surrounded by people all the time. I would never want to be alone, though the broody part of me begs for solace. Sometimes I can't decide. Sometimes even when I'm surrounded by people, I'm not really there.

Then sometimes, I get tired of dealing with people, especially Jon and Sabrina, because despite them being my friends, I don't think we truly do get along. They get along with the girl I am now, the girl that they see. Who I truly am, is someone who loves words and colours and dancing in the rain to music in my head. They don't know that part of me. I always I wondered if the reason we became friends was because I wanted be around people who were so different from who I was. I guess that's what happens when you change schools, change your name, your hair, to forget. To me, this is just another character I play. I do fear that i take things too far sometimes, when the lines between the fantasies and situations in my head are confused with reality. Those moments where I can literally feel myself losing grip, and asking myself, "Is this real?" These moments are getting more often, and that scares me.

I don't want to be so absorbed in my head, that I forget to live. Though I would like to be in a world where everything went to what I planned, screw "life is all about chance" and all that bullshit. Deep down, everyone wants to know how they're lives will end up. In my head, things would be so much easier to deal with. My secrets, my feelings, my thoughts, would purely be my own, and no one could ever make me feel as stupid as they do now. I hate it when people give me looks like I don't belong. Because, belonging doesn't mean being the same, rather its the social cohesion of different types of people coming together.

Being honest leaves you vulnerable. But i did it anyway. Big fucking mistake..He won't even give me the chance to talk to him. I think he owes me at least that little. I don't understand how one person could be so indifferent. His friendship[ defined me for a little while. The world's spinning much to fast, slipping from my grasp, and I can'r breathe. I don't know which me to be without him.

I'm addicted to him.

My Heart

I told him everything. I let him read the letter that wrote. I thought I would feel much better than I do now, but in all honesty, I don't feel happy. I feel empty and hollow. I have yet to master the art of being happy with just myself, the art of being indifferent. And I hate it, I wish feelings could come with an "off"button, so I could just switch off. I wish I say things will work out, but I don't even know if he's even bothered to reply me, yet alone read it.

I really don't know what else I'm supposed to do. I told him everything, and what I'm supposed to do is walk away.



Can I?

New Year

Yes, this is one of those obligatory New Year's Day posts, where I'll tell you what I learnt, what I want to achieve in the folowing year and the people who made it on THE LIST.

Well, 2010 has come and gone, and one way to describe it? Fuck. I went to a new school, met new people, fell in love multiple times, cried a hell lot, suddenly decided that I loved alcohol, got addicited to several unmentionable things, stayed over at random places, made a lot of mistakes, lost friends, made new ones and got back my old ones. So yea, I don't know how to feel about 2010. It was one of those years, where you can't really fit it into one catogary, because it transcends everything.

With the promise of a new year, I'm only going to make one resolution. Be honest and frank. Though doing so makes you vulnerable, it also lets you be who you want to be without being tied down to anything else. I can do what I want.

I want to get out of RP. I think I might apply for a transfer to somewhere else, because I don't see myself doing well as I could.

Sigh.

Its already getting complicated.

Happy Fucking New Year.