This one's for you..

Hey Meow.

For the moment, let's just go along with meow and floating doughnut, because it'll be totally embarrassing if you're not who I think you are. I'm sorry it took me this long to reply you, but I think you know better than anyone sometimes how when you have so much to say, the words just don't seem to fit. I know we used to love words, I still do, and I think you do too. I can't say that I know you, because I don't anymore. Well I used to, but i'm not sure if I get brownie points for knowing the old you. Because as you said, people change.

But let me try and remember yea. Remember our list of 21 spastic crazy moments? We danced in the rain amongst other things. And we had that picnic at the TKGS field, where I blew bubbles and you danced to music in your head. But we always seemed to be on the same wave length. Always. Or remember the time we got kicked out of Amaths class and we went around the school taking random pictures? Or how we used to hide out in the toilet for minutes at a time in a desperate attempt to get out of doing math? Remember how for a month straight you were addicted to M&Ms? Do you still like them? Remember how we used to trudge down to the shop)(i forgot its name.. ): sad I know) and you used to read out tips from 17 or Cosmo? Remember how I followed you from school to school to try and find Haz___? There are some days where I think of you, and I hope that you've found him. Remember the notes we used to exchange even though we were siting right next to each other. Or how we could make the most random things seem funny? I can't remember the rest, well I do, but these were the few memories that stuck to me with clarity.

There were moments where all I wanted to do was to call you. Those moments where so strong somedays to the point where I wouldn't want to go to school. I don't blame you for walking away. It took me awhile to understand it, but I ultimately understood your decision. I was on self destruct, and no one would have been able to stop me. It took you leaving, and leaving TKGS for me to finally stop myself. Its true, what they say, that you have to hit rock bottom before you can climb back up. After TKGS, I spent my days at home, alone. I wanted desperately to call you, to see what you were doing, or how you were, but I figured you were better off without me.

There were moments where I hated you. I needed you, and you left me. You took all my other friends away from me, and it seemed that you had everything, while i had nothing. But I stand corrected. There were some days where I would look at you, and you would be smiling at something Nat said, or Sak. And i would feel this insane burning in my chest, this sense of "i used to be a part of that". I missed you the most, out of the others. When I lost you, I didn't want anything to do with TKGS or who I was back then. I was disgusted with myself, so very confused and hurt and unbelievably alone. RP provided me that. I changed my name, I changed me, I cut my hair, I changed my clothes, I changed who I was. I didn't want to be a part of Theatre anymore, because it would remind me of TKGS, and inevitably you. RP was the clean break and new beginning I was so desperately looking for.

I was getting better, but in some ways worse. I found new friends, so different from you that at first I was happy, but I would unconsciously always compare them to you. My new friends don't love books the way we do, they don't get the same spark we (cheesy but true) got when we talked about books. Or about life, or about anything. Its difficult to be someone so different from who I was. Just the same, I do love my friends now, but there'll always be this part that'll wish and wonder what it would be like for us to have stayed friends.

I guess I really didn't appreciate you back then. I was a sinking ship and you were desperately trying to save me. I lied, I threw your kindness, your love and your concern back in your face. You have no idea how that eats away at me at night. During the day, its okay, but at night, when I'm completely alone with my thoughts, thats when everything just comes back to me in a rush. I can still remember your face, when we fought. You were so angry, but so hurt and betrayed. You were my best friend, and I'm making a guess and saying that I was yours too. Thats why it hurts so bad.

I admire you, for writing to me.

I would never have done something like that, for fear of being rejected or ignored. In my head, i'd imagine all these scenarios, where we'd meet, and depending on which emotion I was feeling strongly at that point, we would either make up, or ignore each other. I miss you too. You remember how with you, there was always me, and with me there was always you? Back then we were a package deal. Buy one get one free. You remember our rides back home? Some days we couldn't stop talking. On others we had nothing to day. But it was never awkward. Never. I wonder about you sometimes. What has changed, what stayed the same. Like are you over K______? I know i lost my privilege to know these things about you, but sometimes I do wonder.

I was hurt by everything too. I was too young, to naive to have done anything better. If I could re-do it? Would I ? Sometimes I think no, because then I wouldn't be who I am today. Sometimes I think yes, because you meant the world to me at one point in time. Remember how we used just walk to the Kerrang shop if we needed a break from everything? Or how we both loved the smell of rain. Then again, who doesn't? Or how we used to drive everyone else insane? When you walked away, honestly, I hated you. Because in my head, you were the one constant there. But believe me when I say I don't hold it against you. At all. I understand why you did it.

We used to do everything together.

You were the greatest friend anyone could have asked for. You just seemed to get me. You knew what I needed, I knew what you needed. We both did stupid things, but we also did things for each other. I want to thank you. Because if you hadn't made the decision that propelled me to get better, I wouldn't have made it this far. I'd still be on my downward spiral to no where. I owe you.

There are so many things I want to share with you, so many stories I want to tell, so much laughter and tears I want you to be a part of. I would love to know everything about you too. Because yea, as you said, we've both changed. There are moments where I see things that remind me of you, and I think to myself what you would have said. I was reading through our old letters the other day, and I realized just how much you gave me.

I'm sorry its taken me this long to realize it.

No matter how much I tried, (I even deleted your number), its still ingrained in my head. Like its one of those things I'll never forget.

As i'm writing this now, a rush of memories are coming back to me. From you curling my hair, to us running around like crazy people. Remember our corner at the back of the school, and the colony of ants we discovered there? Remember sharing meals at pizza hut? or going late for everything because "we were you and me?" I laugh whenever I think of the answer we gave, and how all the teachers all seemed to accept it simply because we were us. Or how you were so clumsy too. Or our many famous epic fights with S___n? Or the studio? and we felt like that was the only place we truly belonged? Or how we were supposed to write a book on mats? "Don't judge a mat by his hat?" We carved our names into the rock at school. Well our "memberxzzsss" names. Boo and Spazz.

I never forgot you.

PS:They still kept my EZ-link card after all these years??!?

Love always,

Floating doughnut.