This one's for you..

Hey Meow.

For the moment, let's just go along with meow and floating doughnut, because it'll be totally embarrassing if you're not who I think you are. I'm sorry it took me this long to reply you, but I think you know better than anyone sometimes how when you have so much to say, the words just don't seem to fit. I know we used to love words, I still do, and I think you do too. I can't say that I know you, because I don't anymore. Well I used to, but i'm not sure if I get brownie points for knowing the old you. Because as you said, people change.

But let me try and remember yea. Remember our list of 21 spastic crazy moments? We danced in the rain amongst other things. And we had that picnic at the TKGS field, where I blew bubbles and you danced to music in your head. But we always seemed to be on the same wave length. Always. Or remember the time we got kicked out of Amaths class and we went around the school taking random pictures? Or how we used to hide out in the toilet for minutes at a time in a desperate attempt to get out of doing math? Remember how for a month straight you were addicted to M&Ms? Do you still like them? Remember how we used to trudge down to the shop)(i forgot its name.. ): sad I know) and you used to read out tips from 17 or Cosmo? Remember how I followed you from school to school to try and find Haz___? There are some days where I think of you, and I hope that you've found him. Remember the notes we used to exchange even though we were siting right next to each other. Or how we could make the most random things seem funny? I can't remember the rest, well I do, but these were the few memories that stuck to me with clarity.

There were moments where all I wanted to do was to call you. Those moments where so strong somedays to the point where I wouldn't want to go to school. I don't blame you for walking away. It took me awhile to understand it, but I ultimately understood your decision. I was on self destruct, and no one would have been able to stop me. It took you leaving, and leaving TKGS for me to finally stop myself. Its true, what they say, that you have to hit rock bottom before you can climb back up. After TKGS, I spent my days at home, alone. I wanted desperately to call you, to see what you were doing, or how you were, but I figured you were better off without me.

There were moments where I hated you. I needed you, and you left me. You took all my other friends away from me, and it seemed that you had everything, while i had nothing. But I stand corrected. There were some days where I would look at you, and you would be smiling at something Nat said, or Sak. And i would feel this insane burning in my chest, this sense of "i used to be a part of that". I missed you the most, out of the others. When I lost you, I didn't want anything to do with TKGS or who I was back then. I was disgusted with myself, so very confused and hurt and unbelievably alone. RP provided me that. I changed my name, I changed me, I cut my hair, I changed my clothes, I changed who I was. I didn't want to be a part of Theatre anymore, because it would remind me of TKGS, and inevitably you. RP was the clean break and new beginning I was so desperately looking for.

I was getting better, but in some ways worse. I found new friends, so different from you that at first I was happy, but I would unconsciously always compare them to you. My new friends don't love books the way we do, they don't get the same spark we (cheesy but true) got when we talked about books. Or about life, or about anything. Its difficult to be someone so different from who I was. Just the same, I do love my friends now, but there'll always be this part that'll wish and wonder what it would be like for us to have stayed friends.

I guess I really didn't appreciate you back then. I was a sinking ship and you were desperately trying to save me. I lied, I threw your kindness, your love and your concern back in your face. You have no idea how that eats away at me at night. During the day, its okay, but at night, when I'm completely alone with my thoughts, thats when everything just comes back to me in a rush. I can still remember your face, when we fought. You were so angry, but so hurt and betrayed. You were my best friend, and I'm making a guess and saying that I was yours too. Thats why it hurts so bad.

I admire you, for writing to me.

I would never have done something like that, for fear of being rejected or ignored. In my head, i'd imagine all these scenarios, where we'd meet, and depending on which emotion I was feeling strongly at that point, we would either make up, or ignore each other. I miss you too. You remember how with you, there was always me, and with me there was always you? Back then we were a package deal. Buy one get one free. You remember our rides back home? Some days we couldn't stop talking. On others we had nothing to day. But it was never awkward. Never. I wonder about you sometimes. What has changed, what stayed the same. Like are you over K______? I know i lost my privilege to know these things about you, but sometimes I do wonder.

I was hurt by everything too. I was too young, to naive to have done anything better. If I could re-do it? Would I ? Sometimes I think no, because then I wouldn't be who I am today. Sometimes I think yes, because you meant the world to me at one point in time. Remember how we used just walk to the Kerrang shop if we needed a break from everything? Or how we both loved the smell of rain. Then again, who doesn't? Or how we used to drive everyone else insane? When you walked away, honestly, I hated you. Because in my head, you were the one constant there. But believe me when I say I don't hold it against you. At all. I understand why you did it.

We used to do everything together.

You were the greatest friend anyone could have asked for. You just seemed to get me. You knew what I needed, I knew what you needed. We both did stupid things, but we also did things for each other. I want to thank you. Because if you hadn't made the decision that propelled me to get better, I wouldn't have made it this far. I'd still be on my downward spiral to no where. I owe you.

There are so many things I want to share with you, so many stories I want to tell, so much laughter and tears I want you to be a part of. I would love to know everything about you too. Because yea, as you said, we've both changed. There are moments where I see things that remind me of you, and I think to myself what you would have said. I was reading through our old letters the other day, and I realized just how much you gave me.

I'm sorry its taken me this long to realize it.

No matter how much I tried, (I even deleted your number), its still ingrained in my head. Like its one of those things I'll never forget.

As i'm writing this now, a rush of memories are coming back to me. From you curling my hair, to us running around like crazy people. Remember our corner at the back of the school, and the colony of ants we discovered there? Remember sharing meals at pizza hut? or going late for everything because "we were you and me?" I laugh whenever I think of the answer we gave, and how all the teachers all seemed to accept it simply because we were us. Or how you were so clumsy too. Or our many famous epic fights with S___n? Or the studio? and we felt like that was the only place we truly belonged? Or how we were supposed to write a book on mats? "Don't judge a mat by his hat?" We carved our names into the rock at school. Well our "memberxzzsss" names. Boo and Spazz.

I never forgot you.

PS:They still kept my EZ-link card after all these years??!?

Love always,

Floating doughnut.

Misunderstanding.

Words can very easily confuse or hurt.

I suppose I should have been clear.

I'm not angry or sad or whatever.

I just don't like being made fun off.

Its sad and degrading.

I mean c'mon la. You know me right, you know i'm sensitive and I have soft heart.

Besides, Jon said if I was mean once it means that everyone will stop. I won't do that, cuz I don't want to lose my friends, but sometimes its tempting to just tell them to stop.

Three Cheers For Five Years

I know people may think that the title of the song implies a relationship that ended after five years, but music is universal and transcends all meanings. That's the great thing about music. So I haven't really blogged in awhile, and its not from lack of things happening, trust me, but more of me not having the right words. A case of writer's block. As the case is for most writers, they usually need something to jolt them back into the habit of writing, or rather having things to write. Mine came in the form of being teased.

I know it seems like all I ever talk about is being teased, but what people don't realise is that these things really happen to me. People do tease me under the pretense of being funny. What I don't like is the hypocrisy the show when I try to do same. Apparently its "mean".

While I don't discredit them saying I've changed, I strongly believe that it is not for the worse.

ARGH.

I'm going to just talk about what happen that suddenly inspired my words. So I was rushing back to class and I was trying my best to hurry back, but I'm short, and its not excatly easy for me to walk fast. They laughed. I'm used to it i guess but it still stings every time someone decides to make you the fool.

Sigh.

Fear

I am so scared.

So very extremely, completely scared for tomorrow.

We're starting school, and along with a new semester comes a new class. I am not looking forward to this AT ALL. Because I think I am socially awkward and will be unable to hold a deccent conversation with any of my new classmates. I feel so lost, so backed into a corner, because Sab knows someone from orientation in her class and Jon the lucky bastard has one of our ex classmates in his class, and I just feel like the only one who doesn't know anyone.

I'm not sure what this new class is going to be like, but I feel like i'm already not going to fit in. That kind of thinking is always dangerous, because when you psyche yourself out, chances are, things will go horribly wrong for you. I just want to be normal and have friends yea, but I'm not so sure about it, I mean i was so nervous I spent the whole of yesterday night thinking of my introduction to the class. I MEAN COME ON. I FUCKING PLANNED MY INTRODUCTION SPEECH. FUCK MY LIFE.

I am so scared yea, that everyone will move on.

Tim Burton

You're always left thinking.

What is it with Tim Burton, and is amazing talent of weaving human concepts into a way that is in no way hypocritical or patronizing? Its beautiful, to see his creations.

This post won't have a title.

Its all over the place, or rather my thoughts are all over the place.

I don't know just who you are.

Things are really getting fucked up. Its getting so tiring, and so emotional every time there's a rift between my friends and I.
You know initially, I was always more afraid of losing Jon then I was about losing Sab. But now, I'm not so sure anymore. I took the fact that she'll always be there for granted. I never ever thought that it would come to a point where she wouldn't be there anymore. Not like be there when I need her, but just be there in general.

I already resigned myself to the fact that Jon would no longer be a part of my life the moment I realised he could sometimes be a really shitty friend. Sab help me see that. But now she's not here anymore. I don't want to make it seem all self pitying and shit, becuase despite how suck-ish this is, I don't want to spend the rest of my time pissing and moaning about friends who weren't really there to begin with.

Just like in secondary school, I'll pick up the pieces. This is the very reason I try so hard to just focus on my writing.I'm not jaded, just facing the fact that while you're friends, its great, but the moment you're not anymore, it sucks. I also get that I should care more about the good times, but i'm just a kid. For all the big talk, at the end of the day, i'm still a kid, vulnerable and entirely way too trusting.

I'm trying to find the moment where things began to fail, but I am guessing you can never fault one single moment alone. It's probably a series of events. Of where we both pulled back equally. It started with the night of my birthday chalet. I was upset, but I hid it. That was probably wrong on my part. Then came the class BBQ. That was what confirmed the fact that we'd been growing apart and it took her not coming for me to realise the severity of the situation. I tried so hard to pretend that things were okay when I went to meet her, but really, upon hindsight, we just swept it under the carpet.

We're girls, we're supposed to use our words, we're supposed to be ones who were better at communicating. But for all my faith in words, it seemed that they failed me. I get that at the same time, just because we're girls, its harder for us to listen with no judgements. I know this very well. She asked if I was upset about her absence, and honestly, it made me so fucking miserable that my own best friend couldn't turn up for something that I tried so hard to plan. Even Jon came. In her defense, she was sick with fever. But that didn't make me feel any less cheated or betrayed or upset. I looked it up on the internet. These feelings are completely legit. I tried to pretend that I was okay, but i wasn't.

I guess Jon was there, but as I said, I kind of realsied some time ago that he was kind of a lousy friend at times. He has his girlfriend, and his job, and I suppose that's the kind of guy any girl would be lucky to have as a boyfriend, but as a best friend he kind of is an epic fail.

Now I don't even want to go for the chalet tmr anymore. Jon won't be there, and Sab won't either. And it just feels all wrong for me to be there without either of them. I don't feel the security I usually do, and I just feel wrong. Because it would mean that I'm truly alone.

So Sab isn't going, and she pulled the whole "i know you're disappointed in me" card. And I wish I could just stop being so accomodating and scream that no, its not okay that she's not going, its not all solved because I said its okay and I JUST AM SO FUCKING FUSTRATED WITH HER. God. She doesn't realise how little I've seen her, and to think that a month ago, we were promising to be friends no matter what. How completely naive and stupid of us to think like that. I just fucking miss my best friend. I lost one, I don't want to lose the other one too.

And i'm kind of hurt that she's think that one apology makes everything better. We're girls for god's sake. We rarely ever mean what we say. And its so stupid of me to say its okay then rant about it here. But its the only outlet I have, and my stupid nature of trying to make sure no one's feelings get hurt doesn't let me tell her face to face. I guess in retrospect, keeping things from people, even in their best interest never faired well. And I just so desperately want to talk to someone about it, but I can't. If I fought with Jon, i'd go to Sab. If I fought with Sab, I'd go to Jon. But that's just not possible anymore. Jon is living in his stupid bubble, and Sab just floating away.

I don't see anyway I can keep us all together anymore. When Sab fought with Jon, thats when everything started going downhill. We just got dragged down, Jon couldn't find it in him to care about our friendship, and Sab was too stubborn to give him a chance. I don't know why I forgave him either.

The more I think about it, the more I'm starting to believe that Jon was never really my best friend. Well to me he was, but I don't think I was to him. It hurts. Argh, I could blame this completely on me being a woman, but would be completely finding an excuse.

I just don't know what to do anymore.