Lost

I fought with Jon. Though I don't think it can be called fighting if the other person doesn't reply you. More like a cold war shit. I don't know what I'm talking about. I don't know what I'm doing. I accidentaly didn't reply Sab, I swear I was watching t.v and I just lost track of time. God everything is snowballing out of porpotion. I can't do this anymore.

Im going to meet her now, and settle everything.

What I have done?

I may have alienated the one person who means the whole world to me. I can't to anything right. She deserves to have better friends than me. This is a repeat of secondary school all over again. Where beneath the words of forgiveness spoken, there's an undercurrent of anger and hurt. Can you ever possibly forgive someone fully? I don't know. Maybe.

I hope we can hash things out. Because fuck, she means a lot to me. She's the one I can go to. And I hurt her.

Now I have to fix things. I don't know if things will ever be the same between us anymore.

But I want it to, so badly.

Fuck. What have I done?

Freeze Frame

I think I may have develop a certain crutch to help me cope with the fact that my friends and I are drifting apart. Crutches are dangerous, because if you become overly dependant on them, then you'll start needing them for everything. Some people use drugs, others alcohol, I use my ex. It used to be writing and reading, but that was back when all I needed was my own company. I've gotten too used to being around people that now I can't stand to be alone. So I use him, and maybe its bitchy of me to use someone like that, but he uses me too...

We both need each other, he gives me what I want, I give him what he wants. Even if it would end up hurting the both us. Its so unhealthy, but it works for the both of us. My friends have no right to be unhappy about it, because its because of them I'm in this position. Ok no, that was unfair of me to say. What i meant was that they lost the right to be unhappy when they all started to ignore me.

I don't know if we'll ever be the same.

I want to be the old me. But there are some qualities you posses carelessly, and the very act of caring makes it impossible to get back. I just want to be on stage. I want to act, in plays, not on the big screen. I don't care if people don't know my name, all I want is that feeling of peace, of content, of belonging that i felt only when I was on stage. It was a cathertic experience. I want something like that.

It was a time when I didn't need people to build my own self worth, and any confusion and problems were solved by writing a script or monolouge about it. It allows you to release everything you feel, but still giving you that third person hindsight, to see where you went wrong.

Sigh.

Big Time

This week as been a week of big times.

Big surprises, big disappointments, big choices.

So my parents had a chalet, apparently it was part two of my birthday celebration, and it was supposed to be both for my family and friends, but none of my friends turned up. I was sad, and my uncle, who is awesome talked to me about it. He said I shouldn't focus on it, and instead have fun with my family, and I did. It was like really fun, we played games, went swimming, and sat around, trading embarrsing stories, well it was mainly the adults telling stories of us(the kids) when we were younger. All I have to say is, wait till its your birthday, I'll get information from my grandparents. Then we'll see who's embarrssed.

Muhahahaha.

I always thought it was funny when people laughed like that.

Anyway, I made the choice to go out with my ex on monday, because I was lonely and bored and alone. I know, horrible reasons. But what the fuck ever. We went to Borders, where I spent a whopping $200+ on books. My ex is the only guy, no scratch that, the only person who'll follow me to go book shopping. He's awesome like that(: though he can be horrible at times.

Its one whole big question mark when it comes to him and I. We're both so different, yet so similar, and its just so easy to like him. Its real easy to hate him too, when he's being a total jerk face. Him and I, we're way too destructive to ever be in a normal, healthy relationship. Its like when we're together, there's no one else, its just all-consuming, and its dangerous for us both. He and I, we'll always love each other, it just varies at different times. Its crazy, but its what we have.

Anyway, it was sweet of him to follow me(: and he was set on coming to the chalet, but there was no way Id have him and my relatives in the same room. My parents would be okay, but if I brought guy, alone, there's no way in hell any if my relatives would have liked that. They'd probably be all scandalised and stuff. Boring people.

So despite my ex's coaxs to get out of the house, I have been holed up in my room, reading my new books. Love them, like this awesome book, Freeze Frame, and another, Fallen. I love books, and I'm glad I've got time to read. My friends haven't texted me yet.

I guess we're drifting apart.

Its sad, cuz I don't want to, but its not up to me. Sigh.

A little less seventeen candles

Happy Birthday!

Was the phrase of the day, and honestly, that phrase, along with I love you, as got to be my most favourite phrases in the entire english language. It was my birthday today, and I LOVED IT.

My amazing best friend, Sabrina, planned the entire event, from scamming me, to surprising me. I love her. I had the most amazing day, with Japheth, Farah, Michelle, Wan Him, Louis, Nas, Angie and Jyaan. They all surprised me, by coming over to my house, and scaring the shit outta me. It was the one of the best moments of my life.

I had so much fun, and I must thank my family too. I LOVE THEM. my mum helped plan it, and dad and sis were amazing. not to mention my grandma, and her awesome cooking, and my uncles, aunts and cousins, who made things so fun. And to my grandfather, who's come an incredibily long way.

The icing on top of my cake, (pun intended) was when Jon turned up. I missed his stupid face so much, and he turning up to my birthday, meant the world to me. He actually came, and I was so suprised, and so so so incredibily happy. He has been so distant with all of us lately, i was scared that we wouldn't be friends anymore. But he did come, and I love him for that.

I love all of them for putting in their time and effort.

Thank you for the best birthday ever.

The Memory

Winter's gone and I still can't sleep

Summer's on the way

At least that's what they say

But these clouds won't leave

I'm in the mood for sad songs, and when that happens, it means that i'm usually inspired to write. To take out every emotion that I've ever felt, and try to translate into words. If I were an artist, I'd describe my mood as being raging red, calm blue, and regret filled yellow. I've made a huge mistake. I've lost something that I can't take back, something that was supposed to be special, but in a moment of teenage angst, insecurity and disability to think through choices I lost. In a moment of anger, I projected my anger out, and in the end, I only ended up hurting myself so badly.

I can't tell anyone about it, not even Sab, because I feel so disgusted about what happened, and thinking about it just makes me relieve the the ordeal, and I just want to curl up and cry,

Only one person knows about it, and he won't help me.

I don't know why, but I do know that I brought this entire thing onto myself. Its painful, and I have to live with it for the rest of my life. I made a huge mistake, and I just want to take it back. i want things to go back to the way they were.

And then there were three

These are my best friends. Sabrina, and Jon. So finally you can put a face to them. Sab's awesome. Jon, yea, he's sweet.

But you know, sometimes I just feel like we're all just going in different directions, and that scares me sometimes, because I've come to care about these two a lot. Without Sab, I'd be lost, and without Jon, I'd never know what is to really laugh. Both of them are so different, but its like we mesh together really well.

I'm going to miss them once the new semester starts. Sighs. ):

Disgusting

It's disgusting how I love you

I can't take it

I should hate you

You know, its currently exam period over here at RP(retarded poly) as my friends and I affectionately refer to it. We're having UTs, which in normal people speak means Understanding Tests. As its name suggests, its a test to see if we understood whatever we have learnt in the months. Of course, I think its ridiculous to have exams at all in poly, but hey, that's just me.

I can't wait for my next semester to start. Awesome shit I tell you. There's modules on human anthropology studies, and other artsy things that I live for. Finally the days of maths and science are over. Imagine my shock when I realised that I would still be plagued by nightmares of algebric equations and trigonometry formulas even after burning all my math books after graduating from secondary school. I mean honestly, in a course called New Media, I didn't expect maths or science. I still have nightmares about books chasing me, screaming out useless formulas. *shudder*

My sister asked me to open a tumblr account, but after considering, I decided not to create one. Even if having a blogger account makes me an old fashioned loser, there is no way I could possibly limit myself to a short post accompanied by a picture. Becuase I can't write paragraphs. I write fucking novels. Haha. I've always wanted to say that.

But I have decided to include pictures, because I figured that if I was to immerese myself into the media, I should make use of all media outlets. Yes, the computers are a media outlet, but I wanted to have pictures to follow my long ramblings.

I realised something, I don't always have to blog about something of consquence. Its not like just because I don't talk about philosophical bullshit all the time doesn't mean that what I talk about is any less important right? As I've said, you can't judge how a person feels, its not fair, and what gives you the right to put a price on other people's feelings?

As I'm sitting on the bus, on the way home, I'm thinking about one of my friends. And I'm debating if I should disclose his name, or if I should keep it a secret. I don't really know why on my blog anonimity is important, but I feel like unless it's a positive situation, I shouldn't tell people who I'm talking about. Its not like its a rule, its just my own personal rule.