So contagiously

You keep me hanging on so contagiously...

You're the only breaking me down like this.

I think I may have landed myself in a V.A.S. Thats short for very awkward situation. I find myself in a pickle, because I lied. Now, let me remind you, in my last post, I said lying was easy, and mind you, it is. But its the stupid feelings of guilt that make you go soft and want to confess. Here's the thing though, I didn't exactly do anything wrong....Yet. I'm convinced things will end up badly, but I can't walk away.

Does it make sense? I know if I don't get a hold on things, the downward spiral I have yet to go on will go careening out of control. I can't walk away from this. I'm being so stupid and selfish. Sometimes I wish I could strangle and tie up the less logical side of my brain in the corner, so I could think rationally for at least that short while. I know how this will end. And it will end as it has the last time it happened. 

I've got to keep reminding myself that I don't mean as much to them as they do to me. Its not as bad as it was in sec sch, thank heavens for that. I know the consequences of my choices, and I know where that led me to. So i wish i could stop building sandcastles, and just accept facts and move on.

Oh, to be a guy, would be a blessed relief. 

GAH. I'm loosing hope, there's a hole in my heart carved out from stone. A couple of tears, and I'm broken.  

I used to believe in feelings that could change things.

But now my heart is frozen.

The coldest heart-The Classic Crime

Lavender Raindrops

Lavender Raindrops

Prologue

There was a girl, standing under the tree. She had hair the color of storm clouds, a deep rich black, with light silvery grey strands in them. The only way you could see the unique coloring was only if she was under bright light, or if you managed to get close enough to her. From afar, she seemed to be a vision of perfection, with her long straight hair framing her face artfully. Though there was nothing fake about her. There was no make up on her face, for she didn't need it.

 

She had soft  features, that suited her fine. Pale, milky skin that seemed to glow in the moonlight, almost magical. She had wide innocent eyes, that were a molten greenish blue, turquoise, to be exact. Perfectly shaped eyebrows, a small cute button nose and slightly pouty lips completed her beautiful face. Right now, she looked like a distressed princess, breathing heavily, her eyes  clouded with tears and pain. The pain was raw, and it was easy to see that she was raging in an internal battle. With a final, heart breaking sob, she fell to the ground. Then as soon as she fell, she stood up, raising her head high to face the sky, as if she finally had accepted some inevitable challenge it had proclaimed on her. Her turquoise eyes flashed with determination as she wiped her tears away. 

The scared princess from before was replaced with a warrior queen.

 Her expression and stance never faltering, she took one step forward.

Emotional Whiplash

It's been what, 500000 years since i've posted. A lot has happened and I can't possibly begin to explain the extent of the consequences that has happened. There are both good and bad things, both painful and easy things. I'm getting an emotional whiplash from one of my "friends". I knew it was possibly too good to be true, that we honestly could be friends, and that we could actually get along. We are too similar, at the same time we're different . Its super confusing. Its annoying as hell, its dysfunctional, and yet, it is what defines our friendship. I am tired of this, seriously. It was the exact same thing that happened in secondary school. This is what defined my friendships in secondary school. And we all know how well that ended. 

It seems that no matter how hard I try to be "different" from what I was in sec school, it seems to come back to what I used to do, and how I used to be. Its stupid, because it just seems to go back. Its that whole feeling of being used, like a washing machine cycle. Rinse and repeat for good measure. Its seriously never ending. 

But, as things have happened, I refused to let it become a secondary school friendship cliche. So I made conversation, like nothing was wrong, and true enough, aside from the initial awkwardness, it was back to normal. Well as normal as normal can be. Its not easy doing something out of character, but at the same time, its strangely liberating. It shows that you're not afraid of doing things differently, even if it may not be the easiest road to take. 

I'd like to think that in the face of a challenge, I won't change. But its hard to say how you'll react. Nothing is ever certain, except for the fact that things change. The statement  that people never change is a paradox. A contradiction. Because while they do change, sometimes they don't. Its easy to pretend. Really it is, chances are, you're pretending right now, even if you don't realize it.

There's a strange comfort in knowing that you could be who want to be, depending on easily you are able to lie. Lying is easy, its making the lie believable that is hard. What's scary is that if you believe the lie so badly, it becomes the truth.  I love to act, I love the theatre, drama, plays, everything. When i used to be on stage, I discovered so many facets of myself. Its cathartic. Truly, it lets you break all the walls, push the boundaries of  reality, and allows you to delve deep into the human psyche. It doesn't let you hide. It strips you bare, forces you to show yourself, shows your scars for everyone to see. You can be who you want to be, but the stage shows you that the best person to be is yourself.

I miss my stage, I miss the studio, I miss the feeling of home. When that spotlight is on you, when you're that character, nothing else matters.  Its just you. When you believe your character, find similarities, love, hate and experience everything your character does, is when you are truly releasing your inhibitions Fear has no place in theatre. You can act fearful, but you can never be afraid. Never ever be afraid of letting out your emotions. 

People are judgmental, but the theatre never judges you.

Strange Terrain

(15 step-Raidohead,Voices-Saosin)

This is something random that I've been working on.

I could really use a wish right now...

How do you measure life? Can you equate every breath, every heart beat to something important? Do people use grand gestures to see how much in life they've accomplished? If I've published a book, does this mean my life was more important, or more well “lived” than someone who just read them instead? Life is more than living it with vigor and adventures. The small things in life counts. The simple pleasure of singing along to a song that you enjoy cannot be replaced. The love you feel when you hug someone, or the calm stillness of the night sky, each memory, thats what counts. Not flying off to see the wonders of the world. Make your own wonders. People tend to focus on how they can be remembered when they die. What they forget is that in trying to do something of such grandeur, that they miss out on the little moments that makes life amazing. I'm not exaggerating. Sure, it might be fun to climb a mountain, but what good is it, if you can't see the beauty of what's in front of you? 

Don't take anything for granted.