The Perks Of Being A Wallflower

wallflower [ˈwɔːlˌflaʊə]
n :a person who stays on the fringes of a dance or party on account of lacking a partner or being shy

I would love to be a wallflower. The fact is, I am, its just that people tend to forget that sometimes, and also because I have the tendancy to speak more that what a wallflower usually speaks. In other words, sometimes I can't shut up. At others, I can't speak. Both have an equal chance of happening, it used to be that I talked about 70% and observed for the other 30%. But then one day I woke up, and I decided that I had enough of talking. WORDS. WORDS. WORDS. WORDS.

No one fucking respects words anymore.

We throw them around fivourasly, not really caring that each word has its respective infliction on the person we are directing them at. We may think its perfectly fine to say one thing, but contradict it the very next moment, but ITS NOT. IT CONFUSES THE FUCK OUT OF PEOPLE. SO STOP FUCKING DOING THAT.

I try so hard to say what I mean, and mean what I say, but its not possible. Not when you're surrounded by people who are good at manupilating you into doing what they want. You know, something someone said struck a nerve with me. I believe his exact words were,"You don't even know how to be angry at someone." Well, I know I can get angry. Just ask my family. The thing is, I can't seem to get angry with my friends, even though I know I have EVERY RIGHT to feel like that.

My mother FUCKING COOKED FOOD KNNCB. But no, no could spare me five fucking seconds of their bloody meaningless words to tell me they wouldn't be able make it. DON'T FUCKING DARE TO ASK ME TO DO ANYTHING FOR YOU ANYMORE. My sister says not to get angry, cuz if she were my friends, she wouldn't want me to get angry. So fine. Fuck it. From today, I give up one them. Sure, I'll talk to them and all that bullshit. But they've got to be fucking kidding me if they think I'll do more than that. I'm not buying them shit, no pepsi, or lending them money. One of my friends owe me $30+. But I don't ask her for it, because initially didn't really care about it. But really, enough. She heckled me for her money, so I'm just doing her the favour. And yet they dare say I don't do anything for them.

Its not about the money, it never was. Its about getting pissed off when I don't reply, which I eventually do, but when they do the same, I can't get angry? I hate double standards. I don't know what to do...

One the one hand, I wish I was brave enough to scream at them, to just let it all out. But on the other hand, I don't want to lose them either. So I'll do what I do best. Hide my feelings. Put on a smile and pretend.

WHY CAN'T THEY JUST USE THEIR BLOODY MOTHERFUCKING WORDS.

One day, I'll get so good at pretending, that it'll become real.

I just want them to realise that I'm not bulletproof. Not emotionally anyway.