Yes, this is one of those obligatory New Year's Day posts, where I'll tell you what I learnt, what I want to achieve in the folowing year and the people who made it on THE LIST.
Well, 2010 has come and gone, and one way to describe it? Fuck. I went to a new school, met new people, fell in love multiple times, cried a hell lot, suddenly decided that I loved alcohol, got addicited to several unmentionable things, stayed over at random places, made a lot of mistakes, lost friends, made new ones and got back my old ones. So yea, I don't know how to feel about 2010. It was one of those years, where you can't really fit it into one catogary, because it transcends everything.
With the promise of a new year, I'm only going to make one resolution. Be honest and frank. Though doing so makes you vulnerable, it also lets you be who you want to be without being tied down to anything else. I can do what I want.
I want to get out of RP. I think I might apply for a transfer to somewhere else, because I don't see myself doing well as I could.
Sigh.
Its already getting complicated.
Happy Fucking New Year.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Dear Jon
I'm listening to Let The Flames Begin, and maybe thats my catalyst for writing you this letter. I'm not sure. I love listening to music when I write, sometimes because the lyrics inspire me, sometimes because the story their singing is worth putting down in complete sentences, to show those little moments of love shared, secret kisses stolen under stars and soul-mates. Am I making sense? I don't think I am. When you read this, and I hope you do, I would like for you to listen to the song. Close your eyes, feel the words, and then maybe you'll understand why I'm doing this. Maybe you'll finally know. Or perhaps you've always known, but didn't say anything about it. Either way, now, you'll know everything.
You know how much I love words right? Want to know why? Well you can't really say no, so if you're really not interested, you can skip this part. I was never good at maths, logic wasn't my strong suit, and I hate doing things inside the box. I loved words simply because they were unique. Nothing else can confuse, or hurt, or make people feel like flying in the clouds like words can. Word can make you feel like you're dancing in the rain, without a care in the world, or it can drag you down, strangle you with the heaviness of its meaning. Thats why I love words. I love the way that if you write words well, it can be much like a beautiful composition of music.
Listen to Paramore, My Number One for this next part.
So I bet you're thinking why I wrote you this letter, maybe you didn't bother reading it. You never really did love words. Jon, I have something to tell you. And I have no idea how telling you is going to affect you. But you know what? I'm not going to think of you, or your feelings. Not this one time. All those other times, where I strangled those words down my throat, and I could feel my heart wanting to explode, but I was too scared to take the risk.
Risk.
I'll paint the colours and show you the words. The brightest of reds, the passion and anger, with a streak of the softest, most calming blues, and the energy of orange, tinged with the jittery, nervous nature of purple. I'm so scared Jon. I'm so scared to tell you everything. But I will. Because, I'm tired of swimming in silence. I'm sinking,and I'm watching you walk away. And I can't do it anymore, I can't hold in all the words anymore, I cant pretend, I cant be your friend anymore Jon.
I've always loved you. Always. And I'm tired of it. I hate being in love with you, because it hurts me. It was fine when we were friends, but now I can't do this with you anymore. I have nothing to lose Jon, except our friendship. But honestly, its not worth it anymore. I lost a boy, a sweet boy who listened to my crazy words, loved my stories and looked at me like I meant the world to him. I lost him, I let him slip away, because I couldn't be with him, when a part of me was miserably in love with the boy who broke my heart without even knowing. You. I have nothing at all to lose anymore, because you were never really there. You never really cared, so it doesn't matter anymore. What you think, or how you feel doesn't matter anymore. I've thought about telling you a thousands times, I could feel the words on my lips, but when I opened my mouth, nothing came out. Know why? I was too busy thinking of how things would change for you, to even consider my own feelings. Even though you repeatedly, and often unknowingly hurt me. I'm tired of caring about you Jon, so I thought fuck it. I'm not going to consider your feelings anymore. If I keep doing this, I will NEVER be able to move on, and I'll slowly lose my mind.
I don't expect this letter to change how you feel, because I know you love your girlfriend. I don't want anything to happen. You have to understand that I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing this for me, because I cant be around you anymore. I can literally feel myself losing it Jon. I can't pretend anymore. I really can't. It wasn't much of a friendship anyway. You always that the upper hand, whether you wanted it or not. I'm tired Jon. I'm so sorry it had to happen, and I;m sorry I met you. Jon, sometimes I really think I deserve a better friend than you. Sometimes, I feel like punching myself for expecting more from you. You're not my boyfriend, and I think in my fucked up head, I forget where to draw the line sometimes. I can't do this with you anymore Jonathon. I really really can't. I wish I could just fall out of love with you, so I can be happy, but truth is, I can't. So I;m not giving myself a choice. Please, understand.
I can't be friends with you.
Grenade, by Bruno Mars fits this part perfectly, so listen to it.
I knew you didn't really give two shits about me. I think thats what hurt me the most, the fact that your rp friends couldn't mean anything to you. I don't want to be stupid or selfish or anything, but I can't help it. I really cannot help the way I feel about you. You make me feel crazy irrational things, and i hate not being able to control my emotions. Around you, I become this whole other person, I'm not so sure its good for me. You confuse the hell out of me Jon, because sometimes you act like you do care, then the very next thing that comes out of your mouth is, “I don't give a shit.”
I always wondered if I ever meant anything to you, but honestly, I don't think I do. Do you keep the letter I wrote you when the semester ended? Did you try to say anything? Anything at all to at least make me feel like I was worth some small little part? Like I wasn't wasting my time being your friend. Thats one thing I don't like about you. You never talk about how you feel, ever, and maybe I don't have that right, because you're not my boyfriend. But I do deserve more than this. I sure as hell don't deserve friends who treat me like this. And its not fair to me Jon, because, I know, even though you didn't ask me, or wanted me to, I cared about you. Like a friend. I trusted you Jon, more than anyone else. Even as I'm typing this, I wish there was an easier way for me to do this, so it wouldn't have to be me putting my heart on the line, so it wouldn't have to be me who had to get hurt. Truth is, I don't know if you care. It hurts like fuck to think that you don't care. And you don't. So I don't know why I keep calling you my friend. That day, when Sabrina left me alone at parkway parade, I sat down at Macs, and cried for 3 hours straight.
I texted you, hoping that you would bother to reply, but you didn't. My heart broke Jon. Because you were the only other person I could think of who would care. But I should have realized. I called Jerri, everyone I knew, and still no one answered. That was the day I felt like the biggest fool. I do so much for people, and when I need help, they can't be bothered. That hurt. That hurt a lot. That was the day I promised I wouldn't let myself care.
Sometimes I think you really don't know why you're friends with me. We're so different. You're easy, what you see is what you get. I complicate things, I fall in love to easily and hard. I get my heart broken, I cry, I don't hide what I feel. You're quiet in that way. You don't talk about your feelings, and that drives me insane. See, I don't have the right to ask you to talk about your feelings, because I'm not your girlfriend, but if you were a girl, and you were my friend, I would have asked you to talk about your feelings, and it would have been fine. I can't do the same, because you're a guy, and I guess that makes the friendship different. It makes things a heck load more shitty for me.
I need time away from you. I need to be able to not want to fucking cry every time you do something stupid and insensitive. I need to be able to control my emotions better, to learn not to be sensitive anymore. You know, I fault Sabrina for being petty when I forget to call her when I go down, but truth is, I get just as pissed off when you do it to me. Because its not being petty. Its what friends do. We call each other down, we look out, we care. And fuck if you don't do that. I don't remember once when you called me to go to school, or when you called me to go down, or when you called me to go home. Its always been me, and its not fair for you to take me for granted like that. I can't even get angry at you, because you simply DON'T CARE. The reason I didn't say anything to you till now, is because I know, that if I didn't do things first, they'd never get done. Its so easy for you to forget me Jon, and I hate that, so I try harder, I care more, and then I get hurt more. I should be like you, if I want this friendship to work. I need to not care as much as you don't. I need to be able to be as indifferent as you are. You hurt me a lot Jon. Its just taken me this long, to realize that no matter how much I love you, or care about you, you're not worth it. Its not worth my time to love someone who will never love me back. Its not worth my time to be a friend to someone who doesn't know how to be one to me.
Even as I;m writing this, and I know that I should walk away, there is a huge part of me screaming not to. I can't let you go. For some fucked up reason, I really can't let go so easily. Its going to take time, and I need for you to understand that I can't be around you anymore. Not like it'll make much of a difference, because you don't care. So you won't feel a thing. You won't miss me, you won't feel regret, guilt, nothing. Because I was never worth anything to you.
Its not your fault you know, its mine. For caring too much. Its always my fault. Its what I do best. I do things for others, start to depend on them, then I start to expect more then it all goes to hell. I guess what frustrates me, is that I care more. I want it to be equal, or at least for you to care a little bit. I'm more trouble than I'm worth, and I'm sure you don't want to deal with me anymore.
All the best for everything.
Love always,
Me
Saturday, December 25, 2010
A Little Piece of My Heart
Dear Boy(whom I love),
When school re-opens, I'm going to tell you excatly how I feel. And not to make you change your mind, or blindly hope that you'll have one of those all important ephiphanies and say that you feel the same way too. Because, its not fair of me to expect that if you, and honestly, the whole ephihany at the last moment, where the guy realises he loves his best friend, is ridiculous everywhere else excpet in books with no morals and a whole of pretty people and in hollywood, where they tell you a bunch of stuff about how sad life is, but love always triumphs. Its so stupid to think that just because you feel a certain way, letting it out will make you feel better. Maybe it will, but it sure as hell is a selfish descion. Does that make you a bad person? Hell no. It just makes you human.
Be prepared.
Love always,
Me.
When school re-opens, I'm going to tell you excatly how I feel. And not to make you change your mind, or blindly hope that you'll have one of those all important ephiphanies and say that you feel the same way too. Because, its not fair of me to expect that if you, and honestly, the whole ephihany at the last moment, where the guy realises he loves his best friend, is ridiculous everywhere else excpet in books with no morals and a whole of pretty people and in hollywood, where they tell you a bunch of stuff about how sad life is, but love always triumphs. Its so stupid to think that just because you feel a certain way, letting it out will make you feel better. Maybe it will, but it sure as hell is a selfish descion. Does that make you a bad person? Hell no. It just makes you human.
Be prepared.
Love always,
Me.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Walking Travesty
Dear Person.
I deleted this post about a million times, and even then I wasn't too sure about anything. I can't write anymore. I don't have the words. Nothing. i feel like just watching tv. I dont know what to do. i cant write. I cant write. I cant write anymore. And this is not one of those short phases where I say i cant write, then come up with a post about a week later. I really cant write anymore. I dont know why. I feel like one pf those people who get so absorbed by their own words in thier heads that they can't vocalise it anymore. Those people who have seemed to completely given up on trying to use words, so they just stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.
I cant di this. I cant not write.
I need to write.
Need to.
I deleted this post about a million times, and even then I wasn't too sure about anything. I can't write anymore. I don't have the words. Nothing. i feel like just watching tv. I dont know what to do. i cant write. I cant write. I cant write anymore. And this is not one of those short phases where I say i cant write, then come up with a post about a week later. I really cant write anymore. I dont know why. I feel like one pf those people who get so absorbed by their own words in thier heads that they can't vocalise it anymore. Those people who have seemed to completely given up on trying to use words, so they just stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.
I cant di this. I cant not write.
I need to write.
Need to.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Fireworks At Dawn
Sigh.
I know, I know, my first post in two(?)months(I know right, cue the exaggerated surprised looks), and I chose to begin it with a sigh. But I think that sighs are overused and unappreciated. People do not truly understand what it is exactly, that a sigh does. When you hear a sigh, the first thing that people assume is that you're depressed. Or you're filled with angst, or something along the lines of wanting to end your life. But people often overlook the happy sighs, or angry sighs, or exasperated sighs, or, well you get my point. Sighs are not just subjected to use for one emotion, they're not just one sided.
I believe that it is at this point where you're thinking to yourself, "Boy has she gone off the deep end. Blabbering about sighs." Well, while my sanity may be questionable, sighs are a very very very integral of everyone's lives. I am merely bringing to light the plight that they suffer. Haha, light, plight. They rhyme. I'm not a fan of rhymes, but I do praise the literary genius who penned Peter Rabbit, and other such fascinating rhyming stories.
While on the subject of rhymes, let me just say that reading fairy tales when you're younger and again when you're older is waaaay different. For example, while reading Cinderella, I swear everything dear Cindy said to the Prince and vice versa, had some sexual insinuation to it. Also, reading such stories made me miss being a kid. Not that I've made such an effort of trying to be an adult. I never really thought about how though written for kids, these stories carry with them the wisdom that only age can give you.
Like Peter Pan.
I love the 2003 version of this movie too. Jeremy Sumpter is amazing as the boy who never grows up.
Anyway, the point I'm trying to bring home is the fact that though made for kids, J.M Barrie wrote this for himself, to find a way to immortalize being young. As an adult, you look at this, and you think, "to be young forever, but at what cost?" To never grow up, never have a family, to stay frozen, stuck. While everyone around you continues on with their lives? Would you really give everything up? For a long while, I really thought I would. But I'm not so sure anymore.
There's a term for this, Peter Pan Syndrome. There's so much I want to say, but I can't.
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In other news, there has been much talk going on, and several people have tried to coerce me into joining what I have come to know as being people's answer to getting away with half ass writing, Tumblr. I myself have on more than one occasion thought of jumping ship, but there is something holding me back. Besides the fact that I write freaking novels, and won't be able to condense everything into a short paragraph with an accompanying picture, or pictures but no text, its just not my style. But i'll admit, it is an intriguing idea to let a picture do all the explaining for you. I shall consult my sister, because despite our fights, she's truly the only person who knows me.
I know, I know, my first post in two(?)months(I know right, cue the exaggerated surprised looks), and I chose to begin it with a sigh. But I think that sighs are overused and unappreciated. People do not truly understand what it is exactly, that a sigh does. When you hear a sigh, the first thing that people assume is that you're depressed. Or you're filled with angst, or something along the lines of wanting to end your life. But people often overlook the happy sighs, or angry sighs, or exasperated sighs, or, well you get my point. Sighs are not just subjected to use for one emotion, they're not just one sided.
I believe that it is at this point where you're thinking to yourself, "Boy has she gone off the deep end. Blabbering about sighs." Well, while my sanity may be questionable, sighs are a very very very integral of everyone's lives. I am merely bringing to light the plight that they suffer. Haha, light, plight. They rhyme. I'm not a fan of rhymes, but I do praise the literary genius who penned Peter Rabbit, and other such fascinating rhyming stories.
While on the subject of rhymes, let me just say that reading fairy tales when you're younger and again when you're older is waaaay different. For example, while reading Cinderella, I swear everything dear Cindy said to the Prince and vice versa, had some sexual insinuation to it. Also, reading such stories made me miss being a kid. Not that I've made such an effort of trying to be an adult. I never really thought about how though written for kids, these stories carry with them the wisdom that only age can give you.
Like Peter Pan.
I love the 2003 version of this movie too. Jeremy Sumpter is amazing as the boy who never grows up.
Anyway, the point I'm trying to bring home is the fact that though made for kids, J.M Barrie wrote this for himself, to find a way to immortalize being young. As an adult, you look at this, and you think, "to be young forever, but at what cost?" To never grow up, never have a family, to stay frozen, stuck. While everyone around you continues on with their lives? Would you really give everything up? For a long while, I really thought I would. But I'm not so sure anymore.
There's a term for this, Peter Pan Syndrome. There's so much I want to say, but I can't.
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In other news, there has been much talk going on, and several people have tried to coerce me into joining what I have come to know as being people's answer to getting away with half ass writing, Tumblr. I myself have on more than one occasion thought of jumping ship, but there is something holding me back. Besides the fact that I write freaking novels, and won't be able to condense everything into a short paragraph with an accompanying picture, or pictures but no text, its just not my style. But i'll admit, it is an intriguing idea to let a picture do all the explaining for you. I shall consult my sister, because despite our fights, she's truly the only person who knows me.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
The Perks Of Being A Wallflower
wallflower [ˈwɔːlˌflaʊə]
n :a person who stays on the fringes of a dance or party on account of lacking a partner or being shy
I would love to be a wallflower. The fact is, I am, its just that people tend to forget that sometimes, and also because I have the tendancy to speak more that what a wallflower usually speaks. In other words, sometimes I can't shut up. At others, I can't speak. Both have an equal chance of happening, it used to be that I talked about 70% and observed for the other 30%. But then one day I woke up, and I decided that I had enough of talking. WORDS. WORDS. WORDS. WORDS.
No one fucking respects words anymore.
We throw them around fivourasly, not really caring that each word has its respective infliction on the person we are directing them at. We may think its perfectly fine to say one thing, but contradict it the very next moment, but ITS NOT. IT CONFUSES THE FUCK OUT OF PEOPLE. SO STOP FUCKING DOING THAT.
I try so hard to say what I mean, and mean what I say, but its not possible. Not when you're surrounded by people who are good at manupilating you into doing what they want. You know, something someone said struck a nerve with me. I believe his exact words were,"You don't even know how to be angry at someone." Well, I know I can get angry. Just ask my family. The thing is, I can't seem to get angry with my friends, even though I know I have EVERY RIGHT to feel like that.
My mother FUCKING COOKED FOOD KNNCB. But no, no could spare me five fucking seconds of their bloody meaningless words to tell me they wouldn't be able make it. DON'T FUCKING DARE TO ASK ME TO DO ANYTHING FOR YOU ANYMORE. My sister says not to get angry, cuz if she were my friends, she wouldn't want me to get angry. So fine. Fuck it. From today, I give up one them. Sure, I'll talk to them and all that bullshit. But they've got to be fucking kidding me if they think I'll do more than that. I'm not buying them shit, no pepsi, or lending them money. One of my friends owe me $30+. But I don't ask her for it, because initially didn't really care about it. But really, enough. She heckled me for her money, so I'm just doing her the favour. And yet they dare say I don't do anything for them.
Its not about the money, it never was. Its about getting pissed off when I don't reply, which I eventually do, but when they do the same, I can't get angry? I hate double standards. I don't know what to do...
One the one hand, I wish I was brave enough to scream at them, to just let it all out. But on the other hand, I don't want to lose them either. So I'll do what I do best. Hide my feelings. Put on a smile and pretend.
WHY CAN'T THEY JUST USE THEIR BLOODY MOTHERFUCKING WORDS.
One day, I'll get so good at pretending, that it'll become real.
I just want them to realise that I'm not bulletproof. Not emotionally anyway.
n :a person who stays on the fringes of a dance or party on account of lacking a partner or being shy
I would love to be a wallflower. The fact is, I am, its just that people tend to forget that sometimes, and also because I have the tendancy to speak more that what a wallflower usually speaks. In other words, sometimes I can't shut up. At others, I can't speak. Both have an equal chance of happening, it used to be that I talked about 70% and observed for the other 30%. But then one day I woke up, and I decided that I had enough of talking. WORDS. WORDS. WORDS. WORDS.
No one fucking respects words anymore.
We throw them around fivourasly, not really caring that each word has its respective infliction on the person we are directing them at. We may think its perfectly fine to say one thing, but contradict it the very next moment, but ITS NOT. IT CONFUSES THE FUCK OUT OF PEOPLE. SO STOP FUCKING DOING THAT.
I try so hard to say what I mean, and mean what I say, but its not possible. Not when you're surrounded by people who are good at manupilating you into doing what they want. You know, something someone said struck a nerve with me. I believe his exact words were,"You don't even know how to be angry at someone." Well, I know I can get angry. Just ask my family. The thing is, I can't seem to get angry with my friends, even though I know I have EVERY RIGHT to feel like that.
My mother FUCKING COOKED FOOD KNNCB. But no, no could spare me five fucking seconds of their bloody meaningless words to tell me they wouldn't be able make it. DON'T FUCKING DARE TO ASK ME TO DO ANYTHING FOR YOU ANYMORE. My sister says not to get angry, cuz if she were my friends, she wouldn't want me to get angry. So fine. Fuck it. From today, I give up one them. Sure, I'll talk to them and all that bullshit. But they've got to be fucking kidding me if they think I'll do more than that. I'm not buying them shit, no pepsi, or lending them money. One of my friends owe me $30+. But I don't ask her for it, because initially didn't really care about it. But really, enough. She heckled me for her money, so I'm just doing her the favour. And yet they dare say I don't do anything for them.
Its not about the money, it never was. Its about getting pissed off when I don't reply, which I eventually do, but when they do the same, I can't get angry? I hate double standards. I don't know what to do...
One the one hand, I wish I was brave enough to scream at them, to just let it all out. But on the other hand, I don't want to lose them either. So I'll do what I do best. Hide my feelings. Put on a smile and pretend.
WHY CAN'T THEY JUST USE THEIR BLOODY MOTHERFUCKING WORDS.
One day, I'll get so good at pretending, that it'll become real.
I just want them to realise that I'm not bulletproof. Not emotionally anyway.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
This one's for you..
Hey Meow.
For the moment, let's just go along with meow and floating doughnut, because it'll be totally embarrassing if you're not who I think you are. I'm sorry it took me this long to reply you, but I think you know better than anyone sometimes how when you have so much to say, the words just don't seem to fit. I know we used to love words, I still do, and I think you do too. I can't say that I know you, because I don't anymore. Well I used to, but i'm not sure if I get brownie points for knowing the old you. Because as you said, people change.
But let me try and remember yea. Remember our list of 21 spastic crazy moments? We danced in the rain amongst other things. And we had that picnic at the TKGS field, where I blew bubbles and you danced to music in your head. But we always seemed to be on the same wave length. Always. Or remember the time we got kicked out of Amaths class and we went around the school taking random pictures? Or how we used to hide out in the toilet for minutes at a time in a desperate attempt to get out of doing math? Remember how for a month straight you were addicted to M&Ms? Do you still like them? Remember how we used to trudge down to the shop)(i forgot its name.. ): sad I know) and you used to read out tips from 17 or Cosmo? Remember how I followed you from school to school to try and find Haz___? There are some days where I think of you, and I hope that you've found him. Remember the notes we used to exchange even though we were siting right next to each other. Or how we could make the most random things seem funny? I can't remember the rest, well I do, but these were the few memories that stuck to me with clarity.
There were moments where all I wanted to do was to call you. Those moments where so strong somedays to the point where I wouldn't want to go to school. I don't blame you for walking away. It took me awhile to understand it, but I ultimately understood your decision. I was on self destruct, and no one would have been able to stop me. It took you leaving, and leaving TKGS for me to finally stop myself. Its true, what they say, that you have to hit rock bottom before you can climb back up. After TKGS, I spent my days at home, alone. I wanted desperately to call you, to see what you were doing, or how you were, but I figured you were better off without me.
There were moments where I hated you. I needed you, and you left me. You took all my other friends away from me, and it seemed that you had everything, while i had nothing. But I stand corrected. There were some days where I would look at you, and you would be smiling at something Nat said, or Sak. And i would feel this insane burning in my chest, this sense of "i used to be a part of that". I missed you the most, out of the others. When I lost you, I didn't want anything to do with TKGS or who I was back then. I was disgusted with myself, so very confused and hurt and unbelievably alone. RP provided me that. I changed my name, I changed me, I cut my hair, I changed my clothes, I changed who I was. I didn't want to be a part of Theatre anymore, because it would remind me of TKGS, and inevitably you. RP was the clean break and new beginning I was so desperately looking for.
I was getting better, but in some ways worse. I found new friends, so different from you that at first I was happy, but I would unconsciously always compare them to you. My new friends don't love books the way we do, they don't get the same spark we (cheesy but true) got when we talked about books. Or about life, or about anything. Its difficult to be someone so different from who I was. Just the same, I do love my friends now, but there'll always be this part that'll wish and wonder what it would be like for us to have stayed friends.
I guess I really didn't appreciate you back then. I was a sinking ship and you were desperately trying to save me. I lied, I threw your kindness, your love and your concern back in your face. You have no idea how that eats away at me at night. During the day, its okay, but at night, when I'm completely alone with my thoughts, thats when everything just comes back to me in a rush. I can still remember your face, when we fought. You were so angry, but so hurt and betrayed. You were my best friend, and I'm making a guess and saying that I was yours too. Thats why it hurts so bad.
I admire you, for writing to me.
I would never have done something like that, for fear of being rejected or ignored. In my head, i'd imagine all these scenarios, where we'd meet, and depending on which emotion I was feeling strongly at that point, we would either make up, or ignore each other. I miss you too. You remember how with you, there was always me, and with me there was always you? Back then we were a package deal. Buy one get one free. You remember our rides back home? Some days we couldn't stop talking. On others we had nothing to day. But it was never awkward. Never. I wonder about you sometimes. What has changed, what stayed the same. Like are you over K______? I know i lost my privilege to know these things about you, but sometimes I do wonder.
I was hurt by everything too. I was too young, to naive to have done anything better. If I could re-do it? Would I ? Sometimes I think no, because then I wouldn't be who I am today. Sometimes I think yes, because you meant the world to me at one point in time. Remember how we used just walk to the Kerrang shop if we needed a break from everything? Or how we both loved the smell of rain. Then again, who doesn't? Or how we used to drive everyone else insane? When you walked away, honestly, I hated you. Because in my head, you were the one constant there. But believe me when I say I don't hold it against you. At all. I understand why you did it.
We used to do everything together.
You were the greatest friend anyone could have asked for. You just seemed to get me. You knew what I needed, I knew what you needed. We both did stupid things, but we also did things for each other. I want to thank you. Because if you hadn't made the decision that propelled me to get better, I wouldn't have made it this far. I'd still be on my downward spiral to no where. I owe you.
There are so many things I want to share with you, so many stories I want to tell, so much laughter and tears I want you to be a part of. I would love to know everything about you too. Because yea, as you said, we've both changed. There are moments where I see things that remind me of you, and I think to myself what you would have said. I was reading through our old letters the other day, and I realized just how much you gave me.
I'm sorry its taken me this long to realize it.
No matter how much I tried, (I even deleted your number), its still ingrained in my head. Like its one of those things I'll never forget.
As i'm writing this now, a rush of memories are coming back to me. From you curling my hair, to us running around like crazy people. Remember our corner at the back of the school, and the colony of ants we discovered there? Remember sharing meals at pizza hut? or going late for everything because "we were you and me?" I laugh whenever I think of the answer we gave, and how all the teachers all seemed to accept it simply because we were us. Or how you were so clumsy too. Or our many famous epic fights with S___n? Or the studio? and we felt like that was the only place we truly belonged? Or how we were supposed to write a book on mats? "Don't judge a mat by his hat?" We carved our names into the rock at school. Well our "memberxzzsss" names. Boo and Spazz.
I never forgot you.
PS:They still kept my EZ-link card after all these years??!?
Love always,
Floating doughnut.
For the moment, let's just go along with meow and floating doughnut, because it'll be totally embarrassing if you're not who I think you are. I'm sorry it took me this long to reply you, but I think you know better than anyone sometimes how when you have so much to say, the words just don't seem to fit. I know we used to love words, I still do, and I think you do too. I can't say that I know you, because I don't anymore. Well I used to, but i'm not sure if I get brownie points for knowing the old you. Because as you said, people change.
But let me try and remember yea. Remember our list of 21 spastic crazy moments? We danced in the rain amongst other things. And we had that picnic at the TKGS field, where I blew bubbles and you danced to music in your head. But we always seemed to be on the same wave length. Always. Or remember the time we got kicked out of Amaths class and we went around the school taking random pictures? Or how we used to hide out in the toilet for minutes at a time in a desperate attempt to get out of doing math? Remember how for a month straight you were addicted to M&Ms? Do you still like them? Remember how we used to trudge down to the shop)(i forgot its name.. ): sad I know) and you used to read out tips from 17 or Cosmo? Remember how I followed you from school to school to try and find Haz___? There are some days where I think of you, and I hope that you've found him. Remember the notes we used to exchange even though we were siting right next to each other. Or how we could make the most random things seem funny? I can't remember the rest, well I do, but these were the few memories that stuck to me with clarity.
There were moments where all I wanted to do was to call you. Those moments where so strong somedays to the point where I wouldn't want to go to school. I don't blame you for walking away. It took me awhile to understand it, but I ultimately understood your decision. I was on self destruct, and no one would have been able to stop me. It took you leaving, and leaving TKGS for me to finally stop myself. Its true, what they say, that you have to hit rock bottom before you can climb back up. After TKGS, I spent my days at home, alone. I wanted desperately to call you, to see what you were doing, or how you were, but I figured you were better off without me.
There were moments where I hated you. I needed you, and you left me. You took all my other friends away from me, and it seemed that you had everything, while i had nothing. But I stand corrected. There were some days where I would look at you, and you would be smiling at something Nat said, or Sak. And i would feel this insane burning in my chest, this sense of "i used to be a part of that". I missed you the most, out of the others. When I lost you, I didn't want anything to do with TKGS or who I was back then. I was disgusted with myself, so very confused and hurt and unbelievably alone. RP provided me that. I changed my name, I changed me, I cut my hair, I changed my clothes, I changed who I was. I didn't want to be a part of Theatre anymore, because it would remind me of TKGS, and inevitably you. RP was the clean break and new beginning I was so desperately looking for.
I was getting better, but in some ways worse. I found new friends, so different from you that at first I was happy, but I would unconsciously always compare them to you. My new friends don't love books the way we do, they don't get the same spark we (cheesy but true) got when we talked about books. Or about life, or about anything. Its difficult to be someone so different from who I was. Just the same, I do love my friends now, but there'll always be this part that'll wish and wonder what it would be like for us to have stayed friends.
I guess I really didn't appreciate you back then. I was a sinking ship and you were desperately trying to save me. I lied, I threw your kindness, your love and your concern back in your face. You have no idea how that eats away at me at night. During the day, its okay, but at night, when I'm completely alone with my thoughts, thats when everything just comes back to me in a rush. I can still remember your face, when we fought. You were so angry, but so hurt and betrayed. You were my best friend, and I'm making a guess and saying that I was yours too. Thats why it hurts so bad.
I admire you, for writing to me.
I would never have done something like that, for fear of being rejected or ignored. In my head, i'd imagine all these scenarios, where we'd meet, and depending on which emotion I was feeling strongly at that point, we would either make up, or ignore each other. I miss you too. You remember how with you, there was always me, and with me there was always you? Back then we were a package deal. Buy one get one free. You remember our rides back home? Some days we couldn't stop talking. On others we had nothing to day. But it was never awkward. Never. I wonder about you sometimes. What has changed, what stayed the same. Like are you over K______? I know i lost my privilege to know these things about you, but sometimes I do wonder.
I was hurt by everything too. I was too young, to naive to have done anything better. If I could re-do it? Would I ? Sometimes I think no, because then I wouldn't be who I am today. Sometimes I think yes, because you meant the world to me at one point in time. Remember how we used just walk to the Kerrang shop if we needed a break from everything? Or how we both loved the smell of rain. Then again, who doesn't? Or how we used to drive everyone else insane? When you walked away, honestly, I hated you. Because in my head, you were the one constant there. But believe me when I say I don't hold it against you. At all. I understand why you did it.
We used to do everything together.
You were the greatest friend anyone could have asked for. You just seemed to get me. You knew what I needed, I knew what you needed. We both did stupid things, but we also did things for each other. I want to thank you. Because if you hadn't made the decision that propelled me to get better, I wouldn't have made it this far. I'd still be on my downward spiral to no where. I owe you.
There are so many things I want to share with you, so many stories I want to tell, so much laughter and tears I want you to be a part of. I would love to know everything about you too. Because yea, as you said, we've both changed. There are moments where I see things that remind me of you, and I think to myself what you would have said. I was reading through our old letters the other day, and I realized just how much you gave me.
I'm sorry its taken me this long to realize it.
No matter how much I tried, (I even deleted your number), its still ingrained in my head. Like its one of those things I'll never forget.
As i'm writing this now, a rush of memories are coming back to me. From you curling my hair, to us running around like crazy people. Remember our corner at the back of the school, and the colony of ants we discovered there? Remember sharing meals at pizza hut? or going late for everything because "we were you and me?" I laugh whenever I think of the answer we gave, and how all the teachers all seemed to accept it simply because we were us. Or how you were so clumsy too. Or our many famous epic fights with S___n? Or the studio? and we felt like that was the only place we truly belonged? Or how we were supposed to write a book on mats? "Don't judge a mat by his hat?" We carved our names into the rock at school. Well our "memberxzzsss" names. Boo and Spazz.
I never forgot you.
PS:They still kept my EZ-link card after all these years??!?
Love always,
Floating doughnut.
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